In the old days of TV, sportscasters kept quiet
These are 23 (more) facts, tried and true, about the widening world of sports television:
1. If the Pilgrims had TiVo, I don’t know if they would’ve cared about religious freedom.
2. Every time I watch an old baseball or basketball game, I am struck at how spare the commentary is – they used to operate under this odd notion that, it being television, they didn’t need to tell us what we already could see.
3. I apply “gap control defense” to my TV viewing almost daily.
4. Joe Theismann is going to be doing an NFL playoff game on NBC Saturday; I believe he’s already criticized the officiating in the second quarter.
5. I stumbled upon the Lingerie Football League recently – Chicago Bliss vs. Philadelphia Passion – and am embarrassed to admit that all I watched were the huddles.
6. Why am I always hungry? Why?
7. If President Obama ever wants to hark back to Herbert Hoover’s “a chicken in every pot,” he could pledge “Versus in every home.”
8. Technically, it’s not television, but NPR is as good as it gets.
(Column intermission I: So I went bowling the other day with my 13-year-old stepson Isaiah at the fabulous AMF Mar Vista Lanes and finally decided I had had it with renting bowling shoes. I’m talking $4.50 to wear a pair of shoes for a couple of hours that someone else just had on for a couple of hours. Heck, if we both bowled barefoot, the money saved would get me a glass of Chianti in the cocktail lounge with enough change left over to let the kid play Guitar Hero.)
9. I’m not sure what system Saint Peter uses to grant or deny entrance at the pearly gates, but something tells me doing poker commentary on TV will not put me over the top for early admittance.
10. I guess I missed the memo on George Stephanopoulos being the reincarnation of David Brinkley and Dave Garroway.
11. Fox’s Tony Siragusa is bilingual: He speaks English and gibberish.
12. When I was a kid, my father would take us to Sears so we could watch stuff on a color TV. I wonder if dads today take their kids to Best Buy to watch stuff in HD.
13. Sometimes I read or hear John Feinstein and realize printed and spoken words have a down side, too.
14. NFL Network continues to refuse to provide the names of teams on its on-screen, in-game score graphic; rather, it prefers hard-to-decipher team logos. That alone is reason enough to keep it off Time Warner Cable.
15. For those of you who don’t get NFL Network, this is what you’ve missed: Bob Papa calls each play, then Matt Millen gives a speech after each play. James K. Polk, I believe, gave fewer speeches during his four-year White House term than Millen does during a three-hour telecast.
16. The thing is, Matt Millen has forgotten more football than I’ll ever know, but if it were up to me, I wish he’d forget some more.
(Column intermission II: I mean, isn’t bowling shoe rental a scam-and-a-half? What, we can’t bowl in tennis shoes or basketball shoes? I guarantee you I could roll a 145 in wing tips. Thirty years ago, I told myself I would never buy bowling shoes and, now, a thousand bucks later, I realize how stupid I was.)
17. If Jimmy Football ever comes to my home, I guarantee you he’ll be “tailgate tested.”
18. It is not my intent to pick on Mike Tirico – who ably calls NFL and NBA games for ESPN – but this is what he said at the end of a Celtics-Magic game last year: “In this technology society, it’s time to get tenths-of-a-second on the shot clock.” My emotional distress speaks for itself.
19. An old friend of mine – currently an inmate at Alcatraz – says they have pirated cable there.
20. For somebody who doesn’t watch Major League Baseball that much anymore, I can’t believe how much I watch MLB Network.
21. It is entirely possible that special teams ruined my first marriage.
22. When Charles Barkley tries to entertain me, I am a delighted viewer. When Charles Barkley tries to enlighten me, I am a disconcerted viewer.
23. Frankly, I don’t think we’re too many months away from ESPNVaticanCity.com.
Ask The Slouch
Q. Lassie was not voted onto the American Kennel Club’s top 10 list of pop culture dogs. What kept her out, the coaches or the computers? (Chuck Massey; Norcross, Ga.)
A. The AKC is the BCS of the canine world and rough collies are Boise State; Congress needs to slam the door on that dogopoly.
Q. When you retire, will you stay retired? (Curt Casetta; West Bend, Wis.)
A. My father, who retired in 1981, contends that I retired the following year but didn’t tell anyone.
Q. Given how much money NFL coaches make, shouldn’t they be paying enough attention that the refs should not need to stop the game and “warn” them there are only two minutes left in the half? (Donald J. Evans; Arlington, Va.)
A. Pay the man, Shirley.
Norman Chad is a syndicated columnist. You can enter his $1.25 Ask The Slouch Cash Giveaway. Just e-mail asktheslouch@aol.com and, if your question is used, you win $1.25 in cash!