The Slice has managed to land an interview with the first local resident to be clinically diagnosed with Spokane Split-Personality Syndrome.
Let’s call him “Bob.”
Bob has an affliction not at all uncommon here. He is simultaneously smug about living in the Northwest and defensive about being in Spokane.
This widespread condition has existed for years, of course. But until just recently, mental health experts had been reluctant to treat this disease — largely because so many suffer from SSPS themselves.
Let’s hear what Bob had to say. You won’t believe his answers.
The Slice: So you are proud of this region?
Bob: Who wouldn’t be? The Northwest is the only livable place in America. I don’t know why people in, say, Minnesota or New Mexico don’t just go ahead and shoot themselves.
The Slice: But I take it you think Spokane leaves something to be desired?
Bob: You might say that. I never kid myself about the dreary reality of living in Spokant, the capital of the Inbred Empire.
The Slice: Right. But doesn’t the fact that Spokane is in the Northwest present a self-image conflict for you?
Bob: Not at all. The Northwest has the best quality of life in the nation. Spokane has low wages, poor literacy stats and way too many bigots.
The Slice: Do you take anything to treat your SSPS?
Bob: Salmon and white wine.
The Slice: Do you think you might be happier living in Seattle?
Bob: Well, I practically do already. I’m over there every other weekend.
The Slice: So why haven’t you moved there?
Bob: Are you kidding — with that traffic, that gloomy climate and all those snobs?
Today’s Slice question: Do regular readers of the obits ever find themselves wondering how so many people could possibly have had summer places on Priest Lake?