If you skip funeral, how will family feel?

Dear Carolyn: My mother has Stage IV breast cancer and is near death. My family has begun to discuss what kind of arrangements will be made following her death. Having lived in their community for 40 years, my parents have a number of friends and acquaintances that my father and siblings wish to invite to a church service and gathering.

I have no interest in participating in a large group ceremony following my mother’s death (although I have told them to go ahead without me if it will help them with their grief). I personally do not find it at all helpful to have a bunch of strangers coming up to me to tell me how sorry they are, etc. What do you think? – R.

I’m sorry about your mom. And certainly you are the one who has to negotiate your grief, so you’re right to consider what you will need, particularly what will and won’t help.

That is only part of the picture, though. As you touch on in your letter, your mom isn’t just your mom. She is also a wife, and a mom to your siblings, and the holder of 40 years’ worth of connections to people and the community around her.

While funerals and gatherings serve as opportunities to share grief, they’re also a way for people to honor your mom. By showing up, they say, “She mattered to me.”

Please consider not just what you need, but also what your mom would want, what your family would appreciate, whether your absence is something they’re going to have to explain to people, and whether that will strain them more than it will strain you.

No matter what you ultimately decide about attending services, that decision will sit better with you if you put care and thought into it. If you merely react out of pain, then you open yourself to regrets down the road when that pain starts to ease. Your mother’s fight is almost over, but the second half of your struggle is about to begin.