The Slice: The greatest gift of all is a sarcasm-filled letter

This is the time of year when we discover that casual friends or distant relatives have kids who are about to graduate from high school.

That’s because they send us invoices. Announcements, I mean. Now the cynics among us might assume this has something to do with an expectation of gifts. Tsk, tsk. How jaded. Why, the very idea that modern families could be so crass shocks me.

I prefer to think of these cards as a courteous and traditional reporting of a milestone event. Well, except for the ones that conclude with “Please remit.”

Anyway, I’ve given some thought to responding to these announcements. Perhaps my ideas could help you as we approach graduation season.

One option is to express a sincere desire to get to know the young scholar better.

Dear Kaelynn,

Who are you again?

Best wishes,

Paul Turner

Another way to go is to offer the always-treasured gift of advice.

Dear Brandon,

Enjoy being the center of attention while you can. Trust me, it’s not going to last. You might have fooled your parents, but the real world won’t be buying your act.

God bless,

Paul Turner

Nostalgia is always nice.

Dear Grayhce,

In my day, you didn’t get good grades in high school just for showing up now and then and revealing your midriff.

Congratulations,

Paul Turner

Or you could even deliver your own version of a graduation address.

Dear Justuhn,

You misspelled “Spokane” on the envelope. Though I suppose your mother actually handled the mailing of the announcements while you played computer games or got hopped up on goof balls.

In any case, try to do better.

Hoping you will wise up, I remain your devoted almost-acquaintance,

Paul Turner

Today’s Slice question: How often do you see Tina Fey lookalikes in Spokane?