Slouch: ESPN High poised to prep its own talent

As part of its expanding empire, ESPN – as has been rumored for years – is moving into the academic arena. ESPN High School (to be known as ESPNHS) will be opening in fall 2011 at a yet-to-be-determined location, with an ESPNHS slated to come to your city by 2020.

ESPNHS will prepare its students for the complex world of sports and the even more complex world of ESPN. ESPNHS graduates will have a leg up not only on job opportunities in and around Bristol, Conn., but also anywhere there is a flat screen.

Here is a look at the tentative course offerings:

Multinational World Domination: For the first time ever, top-level ESPN executives reveal the original blueprint that has allowed the little engine that could to morph into the worldwide leader in sports.

Leaving Bristol: Rotating lecturers Keith Olbermann, Craig Kilborne, Dan Patrick and Rich Eisen give pointers on moving on with their post-ESPN lives.

It’s Not Soccer, It’s Futbol: A primer on the world’s game.

Basic Sideline Reporting: Suzy Kolber and sideline reporter emeritus Dr. Jerry Punch give tips on reporting, interviewing, research and wardrobe, including the most comfortable shoes to wear. Final exam: Working a Thursday night WAC football game in bad weather.

Intermediate Sideline Reporting: Erin Andrews on how to parlay asking Frank Beamer about halftime adjustments into a high-profile entertainment career.

Jaws: Analyzing football is not just a weekend pursuit, it’s a lifetime commitment. The preeminent voice of football-speak, Ron Jaworski, breaks down Xs and Os and details how to incorporate Cover 2 into your daily routine. Includes field trip to NFL Films vault in Mount Laurel, N.J.

Championship No-Limit Texas Hold ‘Em: The basics of poker, ESPN’s most televised sport. Students over 21 must have a credit line of $2,500; students under 21 “play for free.”

Sportswriting 101: How to interact with athletes, coaches, editors and readers; how to write, report, analyze, blog, tweet, meet deadline and inflate expenses.

Sportswriting 401: Upper-level companion course to Sportswriting 101: How to get on TV every day.

Mike and Mike in the Evening: Adult-ed night-school course taught by Mike Greenberg and Mike Golic. Class times vary, dependent on whether Mike and Mike’s wives let them out of the house.

The IFB and You: The art of speaking calmly and authoritatively at the same time that someone is yelling maniacally into your earpiece. Guest speakers include Brent Musburger, Bryant Gumbel and Bob Costas.

History of Modern Sports (1979-to-present): Every stat, every athlete, every injury, every season, every trade, every team, every trend and every turnover since ESPN’s first air date on Sept. 7, 1979, are broken down by “Bones,” ESPN’s senior production assistant in charge of “archives and stuff.”

History of Ancient Sports (pre-ESPN): Scott Van Pelt’s Uncle Stanislav relates personal recollections of the 1940s, ‘50s and ‘60s.

Chris Berman’s America: The popular, iconic sportscaster creates a nickname for every state, plus Washington, D.C., Guam, Puerto Rico, the Northern Mariana Islands and the Virgin Islands.

The NFL & The NCAA: An investigation of America’s fourth and fifth branches of government.

Trey Wingo: The Man: This twice-weekly colloquium examines all 47 years of his life.

ESPN High School Musical: Boy meets girl. Sexual harassment suit follows.

The Decision: Weekly one-hour seminar examining athletes at a professional crossroads; each Monday an NBA free agent will field 16 questions from Jim Gray, then reveal his team of choice.

Veni, Vidi, Vitale!: He’s awwwwesome, baby!

Ask The Slouch

Q. With apologies to Mike Shanahan, did any of your marriages dissolve because you didn’t have the “cardiovascular endurance to run the two-minute…”? (Frank Perry; Des Plaines, Ill.)

A. I thought those court papers had been sealed.

Q. You recently referred to “La Boheme.” Are you an opera buff or did you just cut-and-paste a few facts to look cultured? (Frank D. Alioto; Milwaukee)

A. I drink PBR. What do you think?

Q. Why do so many jocks chase so many skirts? (Bill O’Leary; Albany, N.Y.)

A. There’s nothing like the love of a good woman. The love of a not-so-good woman ain’t half-bad, either.

Q. Would one call a group of talented, prima donna-ish wide receivers “doofuses” or “dufi”? (Jon Turk; Solon, Ohio)

A. I believe they are currently called “T.Ocho.”

Q. Should I lock out my fantasy football players before they strike next season? (Dan Farlow; Towson, Md.)

A. Pay the man, Shirley.

Q. Is it true that poker players refer to the Last Supper as the Final Table? (Barry Goodrich; Northfield, Ohio)

A. Ten bits, no waiting.