Friends need to know son is bully

Dear Carolyn: My husband and I are good friends with a couple whose 10-year-old son appears to be a bully in training. This boy and our son were once good friends but have thankfully drifted apart as the other boy grew meaner. I’m talking shoots-rabbits-in- his-backyard mean. Hitting-and-taunting mean. Think Voldemort without the snake.

This isn’t just our opinion. Other parents have shared their thoughts with us about the boy. The problem: We still value the friendship of his parents, who are oblivious to their child’s ways. Can we maintain a relationship with these people without tormenting our son? – Anonymous

The question is, can you maintain a relationship with these people while you remain part of the reason they’re oblivious?

Granted, they may have heard plenty from their son’s schools/camps/teams and simply chosen not to discuss his problems with friends. But given the serious consequences when an anti-social kid drifts into anti-social adulthood, there’s a moral element to your silence.

Plus: You are not uninformed bystanders jumping to conclusions about their kid; your son was on the receiving end of their son’s cruelty. Please tell them what you know – as in, not what you’ve heard at the Little League water cooler. That includes the hitting and taunting you’ve witnessed, and especially any animal cruelty, a known predictor of serious crime.

Also note how it pains you to have this conversation with any parent, much less parents you value as friends.

If you lose your nerve, remember how much you rely on the cooperation of fellow parents yourself. While it usually comes in palatable forms, like carpools – or just butting out to let people do things their way – no doubt there are times you’ve been grateful your peers risked offending you by butting in.