Decide if you owe mom holiday visit

Dear Carolyn: My mother is terribly hurt that I feel no attachment to my stepsiblings and no desire to spend one holiday every couple of years with them.

They are all sorts of crazy, two daughters are in and out of rehab and mental institutions, and the third ought to be.

Every moment I was forced to spend with them as a kid was torture, and I have no desire to expose my children to their generally immature, sometimes ridiculous behavior. Am I under any obligation to spend an occasional Thanksgiving with my mother, her husband and his family? – Seattle

Mom is “terribly hurt” because you avoid the children of the man she married? Disappointed, OK, but if you’re representing her accurately, then she (1) regards your opinion of your stepsibs as a reflection on her; (2) expects you to fix that for her; and (3) is thinking of herself, not you, as she applies her annual arm-twisting.

That’s all built on an “if.” However, even the basics suggest you’ll have no peace until you resolve whether you owe your mom a visit, or she owes you a break.

To get to that point, you also need to figure out what you owe yourself.

Before you start sorting, though, there’s something you owe everyone here: compassion. If only one stepsister had been in and out of mental institutions, I doubt you’d say out loud, even anonymously, that you want no part of her “crazy.”

Yet at least three, possibly four, stepsibs are dealing with significant mental illness. And while I agree with not exposing your children to these family members, I’m reaching for a nonscolding way to suggest you soften your approach.

This is a growing stack of “ifs,” but, last one: If true, these are grievances against your mom, not your stepsibs. And, again, what you owe your mom, or don’t, is the key to a satisfying decision when this annual bird comes to roost.