As stupid criminals go, this one’s still got a lot to learn

Kristopher K. Roybal has once again been booked into our Hoosegow Hotel.

Hearing this, a couple of thoughts came to mind.

Like, is this guy trying to fill the big prison slippers of Eddie Ray Hall?

And if he is, well, he’s really going to have to step up his game.

Being that it’s close to Christmas, however, I’d like to gift Roybal with a few insights on how he might rise to a Hall level of local infamy.

Before getting to that, I’m betting 99 percent of you reading this don’t know a Roybal from an 8-ball.

So let me catch you all up to speed, no pun intended.

Roybal, 34, was arrested the other night for busting into cars parked outside a Spokane Chiefs hockey game.

Allegedly.

There was no indication in our news story as to whether Roybal was wearing the proper hometown jersey or had his face painted in the appropriate red, white and blue motif.

Go Chiefs!

What caught my eye wasn’t the car-cracking crime, but the following statistics.

In the past 21 years, say police, Roybal has been booked into the Spokane County Jail about 125 times on offenses ranging from car theft, forgery and possession of stolen goods to possessing illegal drugs.

Impressive.

But I’m known for telling like it is, so here goes.

Kristopher, you’ve got a lot of capers to pull if you’re ever going to make the Eddie Ray Hall of Shame.

Frankly, that’s like trying to match the Barry Bonds home run record without chemistry or perjury.

Hall needs no introducing, of course.

He used our justice system as his personal doormat for decades, racking up at least 16 felony convictions, some 50 dope- and burglary-related arrests, eight trips to prison and a whole lot more, like getting shot by a guard while breaking into a Valley business after hours.

Someone figured Hall’s criminal ways had cost the taxpayers well over a million bucks.

That estimation was made a dozen years prior to his last crime.

But the end comes for every big-leaguer, even Eddie Ray. Hall’s swan song came last spring, when he was shuffled off to federal prison for the next 16 years – we hope.

So what must Roybal do?

I have listed the requisite crime criteria with grades given to both felons. This will give Roybal a realistic look at what he needs work on.

Name Appeal.

Eddie Ray Hall – A+.

Kristopher K. Roybal – B.

From the get-go, Eddie Ray was blessed with one of those catchy trio names that go with so many American criminals, like John Wilkes Booth, Lee Harvey Oswald, Tammy Faye Bakker and Siegfried & Roy.

Kristopher K. Roybal, through no fault of his own, just doesn’t quite have that poetic “cha-ching.”

With hard effort, however, it is possible that victims will one day shout in anger:

“Somebody call the cops. I’ve been Roy-balled!”

Cost to Public.

Eddie Ray Hall – A+

Kristopher K. Roybal – ??

Frankly, that million-dollar estimate was always something of a guess.

Who really knows how much Eddie Ray actually nicked us for?

Here’s what Roybal should do after the next idiot judge lets him out again:

Hire an accountant.

Being booked into jail 125 times ain’t chicken feed. Toss in court costs and inflation and, well, who knows?

Maybe all the Roybal rip-offs have put Kristopher into the Millionaire Crime Club, too.

Houdini Quotient.

Eddie Ray Hall – A+

Kristopher K. Roybal – F

Part of what made Eddie Ray such a legendary methperado was his propensity for the disappearing act.

Bail jumping, going on the lam, hiding from the law …

Eddie Ray really outdid himself in 2008 by breaking out of a Yakima jail. It marked the 83rd time he’d been wanted by the law.

Something to think about while you’re in jail, huh Kris?

Family Values.

Eddie Ray Hall – A+

Kristopher K. Roybal – F

Is there really such a thing as criminal genetics?

Maybe. Maybe not.

All I know is that once while the cops were hunting for bail-jumping Eddie Ray, his older brother Freddie Joe made news by escaping the confines of the Geiger Corrections Center. Meanwhile, other brother Teddy Lee was jailed on multiple charges.

I don’t know what Roybal’s situation is.

All his relatives may be straighter than Tim Tebow’s Jesus finger.

One way Roybal could make up for any familial criminal failings would be to form a gang a la Jesse James.

Just thinking out loud here, but the “Roybal Recidivists” would be something to consider.

“Ick” Factor.

Eddie Ray Hall – A+

Kristopher K. Roybal – D

“I haven’t done nothing in years,” lied Eddie Ray to a reporter in 1998. “I’m done.”

Star power.

Sometimes it just happens.

Eddie Ray liked to toot drugs more than his own horn.

Here’s the second thing Roybal should do after the next idiot judge lets him out: Hire a publicist to push the Roybal name on the press and the populace.

Hey, it works for Justin Bieber.

Bozo Brotherhood.

Eddie Ray Hall – A+

Kristopher K. Roybal – C+

Part of the endearing fascination we had for Eddie Ray was that he did a lot of really dumb things.

And always got caught.

The same can be said for Roybal, although not on the Eddie Ray level.

But take those reported car break-ins outside the hockey game.

Our story indicated that while the police closed in, Roybal “attempted to hide in his red Cadillac in the Spokane Arena parking lot …”

I mean, really. You’re going to break into parked cars at a Chiefs game so you A. park the getaway car in the Arena lot and B. it’s a RED CADILLAC!!!

Gads.

I’m sorry, Kristopher.

Based on these pathetic grades, there’s only one option for you.

And that is to do your time and turn from crime.

See, we all knew Eddie Ray Hall and you, sir, are no Eddie Ray Hall.