Reach out to real dad for answers

Dear Annie: I have never met my biological father. My parents have never lied to me about him. They told me the truth about where I came from and have always added that they love me.

I received presents from this man from the time I was 6 until I was 13, and then I didn’t hear from him anymore. On my 17th birthday, I got a random email from him. We corresponded briefly before he started to chew out my mother and blame HER for everything. But I know the truth. He had visitation rights until I was 5 years old, but he didn’t want to pay child support, so he signed over his parental rights to my adoptive father. I told my mother about the emails, and then I deleted them.

I am now 19 and don’t know whether to be hurt or angry. I don’t know if I want this man to be a part of my life, but I definitely do not want him bashing my mother. He’s never paid a dime to help support me. However, I learned I have a half brother, and I would like to meet him. Should I try to reach out to my bio father, even if it’s only to find out more about this brother? I want to talk to my parents about this, but every time I bring up the subject, they both become visibly upset. They have told me in the past that it is ultimately my choice, but in private, my mom has said she’d rather I didn’t. She is estranged from her own father and was quite hurt when she tried reaching out to him. I don’t know what to do. – Stuck in the Middle

Dear Stuck: It is caring of you to take your parents’ feelings into consideration, but you are an adult now, and contacting your biological father is entirely your choice. It sounds as if you have some unfinished business, so we suggest trying to contact him again. But prepare for the possibility that you will be disappointed, and set boundaries. Tell him you’d like a chance to know him (and your half brother), but you will not tolerate any verbal trashing of your mother.