Common to want to ‘fix’ bad ending

Dear Carolyn: Caught him cheating with his good friend and co-worker, after he had denied it for over a year and repeatedly called me crazy for “seeing something that wasn’t there.” I feel hurt, betrayed and, above all else, gaslighted (gaslit?). I alternate between wanting nothing more to do with him and feeling desperate to fix this. But if he was able to lie to my face for months, and suggest I was the crazy one for suspecting him, is there any chance this can be fixed? – Anonymous

Zero. But your impulse to “fix” it? That can be fixed.

When you’ve been hurt, lied to, humiliated and gaslighted/looted/lit in such spectacular fashion, it’s an understandable impulse to want to rewrite the ending. Common, too – there’s a reason that crawling back to naughty exes has become a cliche. People crave that new ending: “He really loves me” … “losing me finally woke her up” … “I make him want to be a better person.”

On (very) rare occasions the rewrite is true, which makes it even more tempting; who doesn’t want to be special?

Problem is, what you had, Anonymous, was someone who used your love as an opportunity to get double the romantic attention – the risk of discovery adding a dash of adventure – and who exploited your preference for a happy ending to buy him extra duplicitous months. Absolutely not your fault – unless you go back for seconds.

There’s nothing here to fix but your peace of mind, and only distance from him will do that.