The Slice: Don’t let red suit, white beard fool you

Hey, kids!

Don’t be fooled by a fake Santa.

If your parents take you to a mall to have a picture taken with the big guy, you might find yourself wondering: Is this the real Mr. Claus?

Well, you don’t have to guess. Here are 13 telltale signs that reveal a “Santa Claus” to be just a Spokane area guy in a red suit.

1. You notice that he has on camo beneath his Santa outfit.

2. When you tell him what you want for Christmas he winces and says, “Whoa there, Sparky. That could be a little spendy.”

3. He talks a lot about the old truck he’s restoring.

4. He brags about having been on “Judge Judy.”

5. Santa smells like tartar sauce and Dry Fly products.

6. Santa makes a big deal of claiming to be nonpartisan but all of his money comes from one political party.

7. When you ask for a new bike, Santa suggests waiting until you are older and then get an SUV.

8. Santa keeps talking about two Spokane TV news women who are welcome to sit on his lap and report on their 2011 goodness.

9. When you hop down, Santa says “Go Cougs!”

10. Santa, who lives off the grid and refuses to recognize the Internal Revenue Service, instructs all the children to ask for firearms.

11. Instead of smelling like gingerbread or eggnog, Santa reeks of reefer.

12. Santa seems utterly clueless about the long-term responsibility that comes with owning a kitten or a puppy.

13. Santa’s beard makes him look like Jedediah Claus.

Workplace competition: Spokane’s Carl Heldt was a police officer in the San Francisco area back in the 1960s and 1970s. Ten of his fellow officers made a cash bet to see who could quit smoking.

“Over a period of two months, eight dropped out and two continued on with neither giving up so they decided to split the $100,” wrote Heldt.

“The other eight didn’t trust them so they gave them polygraph tests and found both had been smoking/lying for the whole two months.”

Today’s Slice question: Are the senders of Christmas cards arriving in mailboxes today obsessive or just organized?