Aunt, uncle play favorites with nieces

Dear Carolyn: I have a fairly well-to-do aunt and uncle who have no children and choose to share their wealth with their nieces and nephews. However, some of us benefit more than others. In this situation, I am the recipient and not my younger sister.

When we were younger it was even, and they would send one gift to me and one to her. Once I got to college, however, things started to change. My aunt would send me a generous care package filled with clothes, and then they would forget my sister’s birthday a month later.

My parents finally asked my aunt and uncle to stop acknowledging birthdays altogether if they could not remember both of ours.

Recently, my aunt invited me to visit her and offered to pay for my train ticket there. I feel sad knowing my sister would not be offered the same thing. – Uncomfortable favored niece

I don’t suppose you expressed gratitude for these gifts, and your sister didn’t?

Since you presented it as a straight-up issue of favoritism, though, I’ll answer it that way: Short of severing ties, there’s little you can do to keep them from playing favorites.

You can, however, change the way you receive their favoritism – and in doing so prevent it from denting your bond with your sib. You can visit your aunt and uncle, but insist on paying your own way. You can share cash or care-package gifts with your sister (the stuff is yours to use as you please, after all) or send her care packages of your own.

Every time your aunt and uncle deny her something they’ve given you, they’re casting a passive “nay” vote against her. Yet every “yea” vote your sister gets from others diminishes the power of these negative votes. When your parents spoke up on her behalf, for example, that was a “yea” vote. Enough “yea” votes reduce your aunt and uncle to an eye-roll in your sister’s life.