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The Slice: Santa’s running a credit report right now

Paul Turner, Spokesman-Review columnist. (The Spokesman-Review)

Judy McKeehan’s 2-year-old granddaughter tore a library book.

I’m sure it was an accident. These things happen.

Nevertheless, Luce Ann’s father informed her that she would have to pay for it. According to McKeehan, the little girl’s dad said the money would come out of her allowance.

That baffled McKeehan. Who ever heard of a 2-year-old getting an allowance? But I digress.

The child took this news hard. She cried and cried.

But then Luce Ann came up with one of the more brilliant ideas of her young life.

Of course. Why hadn’t she thought of this sooner?

“Santa will pay!” she said.

Maybe he will. But she needs to take the right approach in requesting his assistance. A few possibilities come to mind.

1. “Dear Santa: I would like to apply for a small North Pole grant.”

2. “Dear Santa: Isn’t it time to make your giving enterprise a 12-month operation?”

3. “Dear Santa: I have been very good this spring.”

4. “Dear Santa: May I have an advance on my Xmas 2012 allotment?”

5. “Dear Santa: I write to you today with a heavy heart.”

6. “Dear Santa: Please allow me to tell you about an exciting new entitlement concept guaranteed to help you win over today’s youth.”

7. “Dear Santa: In these difficult times, when so many young people are cynical and jaded, it’s rare that one finds the perfect opportunity to win over the hearts and minds of at-risk children.”

8. “Dear Santa: You are my last hope. I am currently traveling in Europe and find that I have lost my wallet and all my identification.”

9. “Dear Santa: Let me tell you how a modest investment today could reap generous dividends tomorrow.”

10. “Dear Santa: It’s not too soon to begin thinking about ways to lower your tax exposure for calendar year 2012.”

11. “Dear Santa: I don’t want to play the blame game. I don’t do ‘gotcha.’ Let’s just say mistakes were made. A library book may or may not have been damaged as a result of an act of God or through the unsanctioned actions of an unindemnified third party.”

12. “Dear Godfather: I come to you today, on the occasion of your daughter’s wedding, asking for justice.”

13. “Dear Santa: I’d like to tell you about a bold new Santa Scholars program I’m calling ‘Cash for Kids.’ ”

Today’s Slice question: Who is the Spokane area’s loudest snorer?

Write The Slice at P.O. Box 2160, Spokane, WA 99210; call (509) 459-5470; email pault@spokesman.com. I wonder how many Slice readers have eaten squirrel.

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