Tough to knit family together

Dear Carolyn: My parents tend to treat my wife as an unwelcome intruder in the family. My dad usually just ignores my wife, and my mom is critical/passive-aggressive with her. We all moved closer to one another recently, and I hoped the closeness would breed better relationships, but, alas.

After growing up in a house where problems are best left ignored until they blow over, I generally try to confront them head-on. But I know my parents will deny that anything is the matter. And it’s hard to tell my wife she just has to be calloused to get over my parents’ barbs. – Dealing With My Mom

Well, then, I guess you can’t do anything!

You do realize you’ve directly talked yourself out of two possible ways to approach this, and hinted your way out of a third?

So let’s rule back in the things you ruled out:

(1) Confront your parents head-on. “Confront” might not be the right idea, but talking to them is. I don’t doubt they’ll deny everything, but changing their behavior is only part of what you’re trying to accomplish.

(2) Tell your wife to get over it. “Get over it,” no, but you can assure her that it’s not personal and it’s not her fault, that your parents often cross lines, and that you’ll back her when they do.

(3) Accepting that proximity won’t make you close. This is the one you hinted around, but I’ll just say it: If you talk to your parents and stand up for your wife and still your parents mistreat her, then you need to release your wife from your kumbaya expectations. Tell her that, while you hope she’ll come occasionally, she’s welcome to opt out of visits and other exercises in banging her head against the wall that is your family.