Shades of love vary between sexes

Fri., Aug. 31, 2012

Washington Post

While I’m away, readers give the advice.

On people who say they’ve never been in love, men respond:

Some men don’t have the vocabulary to describe emotions clearly.

Here’s an analogy. My wife can easily distinguish between sea mist, pea, and grass green paint. To me they are all just light green. Olive and forest green are dark green to me. I recognize the various shades but I don’t have different names for them.

So maybe the girlfriend is saying “sea mist” and the boyfriend is saying “light green.” They both might mean the same thing or not, but the boyfriend can’t explain it any better. He literally doesn’t have the vocabulary to describe it any better. – Working on It

Never really been in love, not sure what it’s supposed to feel like, never saying “I love you” – I have been the same for most of my life. I was horribly abused emotionally and once sexually, according to a psychoanalyst and a psychiatrist I required because of it. My wife and I have been married for 53 years now, and I have long recognized she is my best friend even though I have rarely mentioned it to her. I only started telling her I loved her in the last 10 years or so, and let the chips fall where they may. (Actually, it didn’t hurt at all.) I only recently started calling her “honey.” I think she’s a saint for bearing with me.

Can a boyfriend who says he has never been in love be induced to talk about his abuse, if it is there? With loving parents, he should know what love is. – Texas

Wow, and boom! The guy who has never been in love was me at age 30. My hetero “affairs” generally lasted about two years, but I never experienced burning passion. A strong “like” was the best I could do, and it was generally sexual boredom that ended each relationship.

It was only when I was yanked out of the closet and accepted my gay sexuality that I was able to experience real passion. – R.

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