New Takes on Wedding Rituals

As weddings go, unity candles are still in along with readings from 1 Corinthians 13 and Shakespeare’s sonnets. But not all weddings are so cookie-cutter these days. For couples who choose not to marry in a house of worship and seek out wedding officiants instead, ceremonies often mix portions of tradition with modern interpretations. When it comes to readings, quoting scripture from The Bible will never go out of style. Couples also are turning to secular fiction and nonfiction, drawing inspiration from childhood favorites, such as the “The Velveteen Rabbit” and Dr. Seuss’ tales along with spiritual insights from Anne Morrow Lindbergh, says Mary Jean Valente, an officiant based in Los Angeles. Those from different cultures may choose to include readings from their native languages, such as Turkish, Thai, Chinese or Greek. Even the vows may have a progressive ring. “Over the years, people have gotten away from the ‘obeys’ and are now into words, such as ‘partnership’ and ‘equal status’ and ‘friendship’ and ‘commitment,’” says Kimber Lee Wilkes, a minister based in Westlake Village, Calif. Often the content of the ceremony is dictated by its location. Rather than light a unity candle, a couple marrying in their backyard may choose to plant a tree and pour water over it, symbolizing unity and their shared responsibility in marriage. Valente notes for a smaller ceremony she performed, the couple chose to pour sand for the unity ritual. Married on the beach, the duo had found artist bottles with crystal heart stoppers and the families attending the wedding poured sand into the couple’s bottle and everybody got a keepsake. Second-time weddings often incorporate elements of the couple’s children. Valente married a couple from Michigan who came out to California to get married on the beach but left their children home. “I asked each of the kids to write a message to their parents and send it to me privately and I read it at the ceremony,” she says. “It was very touching.” Another ritual for a smaller wedding is to pass around the rings and for attendees to impart a good wish on them and infuse the ring with love, Valente says. It’s yet another symbol of the spiritual elements couples seek. “Couples are more open to creating new rituals for themselves that mean something,” she says. “For a lot of people, the old rituals don’t mean a thing.”