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Spokane, Washington  Est. May 19, 1883

Let son find his own independence

Washington Post

Dear Carolyn: My 18-year-old son recently began his first relationship with a 20-year-old girl. They’ve been attending community college together and started as friends. He still sees his friends although he spends the rest of his time with her.

They are both leaving home for different four-year universities in the fall. I was looking forward to the university further progressing his independence – new people, new activities, etc. However, their universities are within eight miles of each other – they applied before they knew each other – and they found free shuttles between their schools. They both have anxiety in public places, so I’m afraid they’re just going to reinforce each other’s weaknesses and spend all their time in each other’s dorm rooms rather than taking advantage of the university experience.

I’d like to have an honest conversation with him about my concerns, yet I don’t want to damage our changing relationship or make him think I question his ability to handle things. Should I talk to him about this, or just wait and see what happens? – Worried Mom

Mom wants to instruct adult son on independence. We can pause a moment to enjoy this, yes?

You do question his ability to handle things, that’s your whole letter, so I don’t think you can discuss this without sending that message. You either admit you have doubts and why, and take your chances on damage; or keep your doubts to yourself and let him figure out what he’s missing when he shuttles between campuses; or accept that shuttling between campuses is one way of “further progressing his independence” – it merely isn’t the one you’d choose for him.

I sympathize with your desire to teach it to him anyway, but the college (or life, or any) experience is its own best spokesperson, and those who tune it out most likely honed that skill by tuning out Mom.