Annie’s Mailbox: He says watching porn on phone not cheating

Dear Annie: My husband likes to watch porn. I don’t care to watch it myself, but if my husband asks me to join him in his viewing, I will.

Recently, I found out that my husband was watching porn on his phone at work. When I confronted him, he claimed it was just an advertising pop-up. But I knew he was not being truthful. I checked his phone and found that these were actual websites that you have to log on to in order to view the contents.

I don’t like him to watch porn at all, but I’d rather we watch together than know he’s accessing live webcam shows and chat rooms. I consider this to be cheating. I have told him how it makes me feel and have asked him to stop. But he says he’s going to continue because he enjoys it and sees nothing wrong with it.

Now he erases the data from his phone so I won’t see it. After 28 years together, he is now deceiving me, and I am terribly hurt. He doesn’t seem to care how I feel or that he is damaging the trust between us. I have asked him to see a marriage counselor or a sex therapist with me, but he’s not interested.

I love him, but I don’t think I can live with this kind of life. Do you think watching and chatting with a real naked woman online is cheating? What about watching porn behind your wife’s back? Is this normal behavior in a marriage? – Angel in Anaheim

Dear Angel: A marriage is not healthy when one partner doesn’t care about the feelings of the other. Unlike old-fashioned pornography, the Internet provides real women, in real time, performing virtual sex acts. This not only creates unrealistic expectations of one’s actual partner, but it can become addictive. Your husband may not be having an affair, but he is both sexually and emotionally connected to other women, which could be considered cheating. Since your husband refuses to go for counseling, please go on your own and sort it out.