Doug Clark: Pearly whites are my avenue to the paranormal

According to loons who sound off on this radio talk show I listen to every night while brushing my teeth, there’s a very high probability that the planet will explode before you finish reading this …

BOOM!!!

Sorry. I was just trying to share the unsettled feeling of dread that I get from “Coast to Coast AM,” which airs 10 p.m. to 4 a.m. on Spokane’s KQNT 590.

Paranoia Theater would be a more apt name for it.

Consider a few of the bombshells I’ve learned while brushing my molars of late:

The government, not terrorists, knocked down the World Trade Center on 9/11.

There’s a Dog Man running around Michigan.

(Is it news if man bites Dog Man?)

Those fluffy “chemtrails” you see in the sky are part of a sinister plot to control the climate.

(And here I thought it was Al Gore.)

The Loch Ness monster is shaped like a plesiosaur.

Fluoride is poison.

Bikini baristas are corrupting our Spokane youth.

No, scratch No. 6. That was Councilman Fagan, not Coast to Coast.

Not that I believe any of this tripe, mind you.

I’m a rational man, a lifelong AAA member and skeptic of the highest order.

But sadly, I’ve discovered my subconscious is more susceptible to crazy Coast to Coast influences than I’d like.

Take the other night, for example. I had this weird, convoluted dream about being chased by glowing orbs from Area 51.

So why do I listen?

Ego is the short answer.

The haughty side of me enjoys jeering at this parade of radio idiots.

It’s satisfying to look down upon these so-called “paranormal experts” who drone on about being abducted by space aliens or how they conversed with the dead.

I’ll tell you about conversing with the dead. I once interviewed Bob Dole.

But you know what I find truly fascinating?

The aura of normalcy that hangs over Coast to Coast, that’s what.

While the subject matter may be “Twilight Zone,” the Coast to Coast attitude is “Meet the Press.”

The nut jobs, no matter how nutty, are always greeted with warm enthusiasm by the show’s host, George Noory.

The only way to get a rise out of him, I think, would be to call in with the following evil agenda …

DOUG – Hi, George. My extensive research has uncovered this positively shocking revelation about who killed JFK.

NOORY – Was it the CIA? Or Mafia? Or maybe hitmen sent here from the Fifth Dimension?

DOUG – No, George. It was a lone gunman.

NOORY – What? Are you insane?

DOUG – The evidence is overwhelming. Oswald did it – all by himself.

NOORY – How dare you try to ruin our reputation of half-truths, conspiracies and pseudoscience with your irresponsible mainstream lies.

DOUG – Oswald. Alone. He wasn’t a patsy.

NOORY – Cut this fool off. I can’t listen any longer.

I know what you’re thinking.

You’re thinking I should summon up the courage to stop brushing my teeth.

Sadly, I fear you’re right. Dental decay may be the only way to get this Coast to Coast monkey off my back.