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Carolyn Hax: If it feels she’s not the one, trust it

Washington Post

Dear Carolyn: My girlfriend and I have been together for a year, and, as time goes on, I’m developing more and more questions about whether we’re a good fit. The bottom line is that we’re very different personalities, and I’m not sure she’s the one for me. She, on the other hand, seems completely committed, and we haven’t yet spoken about my increasing doubts.

For months, she’s been eager for us to spend Christmas together, where I get to meet her parents for the first time. She’s a big holiday person, and there’s no doubt it means a lot to her, both practically and symbolically.

I think Christmas could be really helpful to me in making a decision. But, since Christmas and being with her family are so important to her, I want to be sure I understand what it really means to accept an invitation to the holidays with prospective in-laws. Should I be more sure about the relationship before agreeing to go? – Anonymous

You don’t need certainty about your relationship so much as confidence in your doubts.

You’ve been together a year. Over that time, you’ve grown less interested in her, versus more. How would a “long block of time” remedy this?

There’s a logic gap here reminiscent of the old joke: “The food here is terrible!” “Yes, and such small portions!” If you’re not eager for more of her companionship given what you already know, then it’s hard to see what spending more time with her would solve.

Bailing out on the trip will hurt terribly. So will bailing out after it. What you need to decide is whether the girlfriend you know, practically and symbolically, will be further saddened by this memory: of proudly presenting to her family a husband candidate who, unbeknownst to her – but known to all shortly thereafter – had one eye on the door all along. Ho-ho-harsh.

If everything you’ve learned up to now points to her not being right for you, then trust it, don’t postpone it. Her family can help her regroup.

Dear Carolyn: My roommate’s boyfriend is here most nights of the week. He’s not overly rude, he doesn’t make a mess, he’s just not my favorite person and he’s just always there. Compound that by the fact that he comes from a wealthy family, lives with his parents and doesn’t have a job, so he sleeps in and stays in the place while my roommate and I go to work. He doesn’t have a key (and I don’t plan on giving him one) so he can’t lock up properly behind himself, if he ever does leave.

Here’s the issue: I’m in a long-distance relationship. When my boyfriend comes to visit, he full-on lives with us for the two or so weeks he stays. How can I express to my roommate my frustrations with her boyfriend without looking like a total hypocrite? – H.

I suppose you could distinguish between extended visitor and virtual third roommate. But here’s why that will sound trumped up: You don’t like her boyfriend so you want him to leave. You like your boyfriend so you want him to stay.

I’m sympathetic to your feelings but not to the impulse to game the system in your favor. Having a roommate + wanting your boyfriend to stay for weeks = sucking it up when your roommate’s boyfriend stays over. I’m sorry.

Charging him some rent/utilities would be fair, though – and you do need to talk about those locks.

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