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The Slice: I’m dreaming of a white lie Christmas

You might already be familiar with the 12 Lies of Christmas.

But it never hurts to review.

“I don’t know how the wrapping paper on that present got torn. Maybe the dog did it.”

“No, I haven’t been rummaging in your closet or looking under your bed for unwrapped gifts.”

“You don’t have to get me anything. Really.”

“Seriously, I have no idea how that wrapping paper got torn. Perhaps the cat did it.”

“It’s not too late to contact Santa and inform him that you now belong on the ‘naughty’ list.”

“It’s the thought that counts.”

“Back in my day, we always had a white Christmas.”

“Mom, I think my baby sister accidentally tore open a package with my name on it. Darn it.”

“Sure, I’d love to watch that movie again.”

“They’ll think we were just a bit late mailing our cards and not that we are scurrying to send them to those who mailed cards to us.”

“It fits perfectly.”

“A rogue marmot must have busted in here and torn open my presents. Darn those rascally rodents. Maybe he was all hopped up on spiked eggnog.”

Just wondering: You know the scene in “It’s a Wonderful Life” where Mary Bailey says, “Mr. Martini, how about some wine?”

Sure. Well, how would that sound if you sub in your own name?

“Mr. Turner, how about some wine?”

I don’t know. Let’s try out a few more.

“Mr. Condon, how about some wine?”

“Mr. Few, how about some wine?”

“Ms. Vigil, how about some wine?”

“Mr. Worthy, how about some wine?”

“Chief Straub, how about some wine?”

Hmmm. I guess anything but “Mr. Martini” takes a bit of getting used to.

But let me know if your name sounds just right in that sentence.

Today’s Slice question: As a child, how good were you at finding hidden presents?

I know some adults, including my wife, insist the very idea of scouting for presents before Christmas would have been abhorrent. But not all of us grew up in a candy-colored dream world. Some of us wanted the info.

Write The Slice at P.O. Box 2160, Spokane WA 99210; call (509) 459-5470; email pault@spokesman.com. Often, what some people deride as being “politically correct” is simply a matter of not being a jerk.

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