I don’t believe for a nanosecond that a corporation like the great and all-powerful Sony would pull the plug on the Christmas Day release of the “The Interview” movie over fears about what North Korea might do.
Sony, I believe, is way more afraid of what we moviegoers might do should any North Korean reprisals actually occur.
America, see, was once a gritty land of tough-minded folks who could take it to make it.
World War II?
Bring it on, buster!
Cuban Missile Crisis?
Go ahead, Commies, show us what you got!
This too shall pass!
Over the decades, alas, America got soft. We became a society of thin-skinned cranks who’ll sue each other over the mildest insults, parking lot fender-benders or perceived slights.
“You kids get off of my lawn!”
So do the math. By keeping “The Interview” in the can, Sony stands to lose the $130 million it pumped into the making of this feel-good farce.
On the other hand, Sony knows it could lose untold bazillions in damages should that top-notched toad of a North Korean dictator strike back while we’re watching it.
Kim Jong-dung beetle’s more like it.
Anyway, in a rare moment of cerebral clarity, I’ve come up with a way for Sony to stop the madness and save Christmas for cinema lovers everywhere.
The No-Quaver Waiver, it’s called.
Simply sign my convenient and legally binding “Stand Up To Kim Jong-un” form included in today’s column at no additional charge.
Or online readers can download your waiver at www.noquaverwaiver.com.
This would be the right moment to give a shoutout to my pal and Keyboard Cat creator Charlie Schmidt for designing the form. Although due to his fear of North Korean terrorists, Charlie asked to be identified under the alias, Adenoid Hynkel.
So thanks, Adenoid.
Back to the form …
By signing your name, you are giving your word “to not sue the Sony Corporation or any theater over terrorist acts that may occur while viewing the movie, ‘The Interview.’ ”
I’ll put it in plain English.
This Sony Pictures hacking soap opera has been going on for days with revelations of threats and racially insensitive emails.
The FBI now says North Korea is definitely behind this. The hackers apparently left some telltale signs, which, by the look of Kim Jong-un, are probably jelly doughnut crumbs.
North Korea, however, claims it had absolutely nothing to do with hacking Sony because the Supreme Dictator has apparently been way too busy feeding relatives to the dogs and preparing for the next Dennis Rodman visit.
As a gesture of sincerity, however, North Korea has offered to help us solve this cyber mystery before it nukes Japan.
Meanwhile, President Barack Obama has told Sony officials that bowing to terrorists was wrong, but “if you like your movie, you can keep your movie.”
Ordinary people like me don’t give a hoot about geopolitics.
We’re just dying to see “The Interview” despite the small chance of, well, dying. Not to mention disfigurement, defenestration or disease due to any North Korean malevolence.
That said, the No-Quaver Waiver does NOT apply to the usual acts of theater terror like cellphone ringing, text beeping or those inconsiderate clods who always talk over the movie.
Once your waiver is signed, you can cut it out and mail it directly to me here at The Spokesman-Review, 999 W. Riverside Ave., Spokane, WA, 99201.
Sony officials will soon see that there’s nothing to worry about, so “On with the show!”
I hope this works. Like many others, I was so looking forward to Christmas Day.
I want to open my presents, have some nosh with the fam, and then head to the nearest Cineplex to watch what looks from all the trailers to be a riotously funny Seth Rogen and James Franco film about two goofs who are called on to assassinate Kim Jong-un.
That psychotic runt has some nerve interfering with our Christmas joy.