Carolyn Hax: Pursuit over, she’s not sure he’s the one

Hi, Carolyn: I’m 25 and engaged to the guy I’ve dated since I was 20. I feel like I’ve always been the one pushing the relationship forward, from wanting to be exclusive to giving an ultimatum that I was going to leave him if he didn’t propose by the time I turned 25 last summer.

A couple of months ago he told me he wasn’t sure he wanted to marry me, and I flipped out and said, “Fine, move out,” before leaving on yet another business trip. He then changed his mind before I got back.

We’ve been to a therapist twice, and he swears he’s committed to me. But now I’m thinking that for some unknown reason, I was so busy chasing him when we were dating, I ignored a lot of flaws (he’s great on paper – Ivy League lawyer, good cook, attractive).

How do I tell if this is just pre-wedding jitters or something we could work out? – Engaged

Your honesty about yourself is refreshing. The conclusion you draw, though, doesn’t go far enough.

Specifically: You say you “ignored a lot of flaws” – as if, ultimately, your fiance’s shortcomings are the problem. They’re a problem, sure, since there’s troubling cowardice in his actions, but the problem needing your attention above all is your own frailty.

You didn’t love a person, you pursued a trophy. That’s a serious admission you fall just short of making. (Lost your nerve, I suspect; it’s hard to snitch on ourselves.)

It’s also a serious problem for both of you, because you don’t curl up with a skill, or converse with an achievement, or raise children with snooty insignia sportswear. You interact with the whole person and whatever habits, quirks, smells, opinions and truths ride along.

So take a hard look, both at him and the relationship. Do you love who he is, not just what, as he deserves? When you’re alone, are you comfortable, safe, yourselves? Are you willing to test that by admitting to him what you’ve written here? And offering to call things off, without drama, out of respect for him?