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Opinion >  Column

Doug Clark: If elected, I will grumpily serve

Today’s that special day when we – the “mad as hell and won’t take it anymore” electorate – will ensure our continued discontent by voting along the same old party lines, just like always.

Welcome to Election Day 2014.

Tonight, the candidates, the sycophants and the deluded partisan faithful will huddle together in places where alcohol is served (thank God) to watch nervously as the returns trickle in.

Will this be a Republican year? Will Democrats prevail?

Will anyone get maliciously chest-bumped?

The only thing that’s certain is that disappointments will outnumber implants in Hollywood.

Such is the beauty of election night.

There’s this deliciously volatile unpredictability about the evening that I wouldn’t miss for a ride in Richard Branson’s next rocket ship.

And this year appeals to me more than any other election night in my entire columnistic career.

For the first time, I’ll be able to ooze among the candidates and experience the drama as one of their own.

That’s because I am running for the new position of …

“County Crank.”

Don’t worry. My writing about this while there’s still time left to vote can’t be construed as an unethical attempt at vote wrangling.

Through an apparent gross oversight, the County Crank position was not included on any of the thousands of mail-in ballots that were sent out.

I didn’t know I was even running for County Crank. Not until this nice blond lady showed up at the newspaper one day with four or five professionally made campaign signs in tow.

She handed me one.

“Vote Doug Clark for County Crank,” stated the bold white letters that were set off against an unattractive background of dog-poo brown.

Political tip: Even the most novice of candidates will tell you that brown is not considered a winning color.

Apparently, I even have a campaign motto:

“Get off my lawn,” declared the sign.

That cranky outburst appears to the left of a silhouette of what I presume to be me, loafing under a tree and strumming a guitar.

Quite frankly, I’ve never been more excited and ready to serve.

From what I know of the way county government works around here, taxpayers could use an official crank to keep these slippery rascals in check.

Now, I won’t pretend to be in the dark about who’s behind this.

This is the diabolical work of a certain active candidate.

Because of that, I will delay identification until after the ballots are counted and the pained finger-pointing or cock-of-the-walk strutting ends.

I do, however, have a plan.

Tonight, I will carry my sign to the major party gatherings. Once there, I will attempt to coerce as many candidates as I can to autograph said sign.

A gold Sharpie might provide a nice contrast against dog-poo brown.

Then on Thursday, I will tell you all what happened and also put this rare piece of election night 2014 memorabilia up for auction with all proceeds going to the Second Harvest food bank.

Until then, the County Crank will sign off with an appropriately Spokane-themed musical parody that arrived in an email the other day from Matt Monroe.

Sing along to the tune of the great Irving Berlin’s “Happy Holiday,” made famous by Spokane’s very own Bing Crosby.

It’s Election Day.

It’s Election Day.

While the same baboons, keep running,

Do you know what you should do?

It’s Election Day.

It’s Election Day.

Help communicate a message:

Neither candidate will do.

If you don’t know who to vote for,

If your picks are both a laugh.

Mark that space. Change that race.

And write in George McGrath!

Doug Clark is a columnist for The Spokesman-Review. He can be reached at (509) 459-5432 or by

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