Carolyn Hax: Calm response best for defensive roommate

Hi, Carolyn: My problem is with “Stacy,” my roommate of three years. When my other roommate, “Joanna,” and I have an issue (roommate-ish things like emptying the dishwasher), we talk through it calmly and non-defensively, we apologize, and it’s all good. (We’re all 24.) Stacy gets incredibly defensive and worked up, and lashes back at us. What’s more, she’ll never bring up anything that bothers her. She keeps it all bottled up, and then occasionally, at a bar or some other place with alcohol involved, will explode.

She’s also super-competitive with us about everything from boys to jobs, extremely judgmental and negative, extremely “I” oriented (it’s always about her) and controlling. I don’t let her control or faze me, I do my own thing and generally feel sorry for her, but I’m finding it harder and harder to ignore her controlling nature.

How do I deal with someone who keeps everything bottled up, and who’s defensive when confronted? We’ve been friends for six years now, and I’ve gotten to the point where I know this is toxic and I need to move out when my lease is up next year. I just need to figure out how to live with her in the meantime! – Portland

I realize Stacy would tell a dramatically different story, and I don’t doubt there are some ways you and Joanna get under her skin with your evolved apologies and dishwasher issues.

But even allowing for roommate style differences, I suspect a lot of us recognize Stacy: someone trained to believe the only way to be strong, respected and liked is to maintain a veneer of perfection. Can’t risk admitting fault (people won’t like the real her), can’t risk admitting displeasure (ditto), can’t leave anyone else’s actions to chance (too much is riding on her envisioned outcome), can’t lose to anyone at anything she cares about (success is her validation), can’t allow anything nice to be said about anyone not on her side (others must be wrong for her to be right).

It’s not only an exhausting way to live, but also, as your dying affection for her proves, completely counterproductive.

There isn’t much you can do about her; it’s neither possible nor your place to re-raise her into someone comfortable with frailty in herself and others.

However, there is a lot you can do about you, just by opening up and backing off, that might also serve Stacy well if any kindness toward her is sincere. When she gets defensive: “Hey – you’re my friend and I love you. This really is just about dishes.”

When she turns things back on you, weigh whether she has a point – and freely acknowledge when she does – instead of getting defensive right back.

When she hits you with accrued grievances: “I know I do all kinds of things wrong. Please, tell me as they happen, though – I won’t make you pay for speaking up,” and make good on that pledge.

I realize she’s exhausting for you, too, but try to be calm, warm, consistent. Remind yourself that Stacy sees herself as under attack on multiple fronts.

Give her defensiveness neither fuel nor traction. If this doesn’t repair the friendship, it will at least usher it out in peace.