Arrow-right Camera
The Spokesman-Review Newspaper
Spokane, Washington  Est. May 19, 1883

Relationship with stepkids takes time, talk

Armin Brott McClatchy-Tribune

Dear Mr. Dad: I recently got remarried and really want to make this relationship with my new husband a success. One of the things I love about him is that he’s a great father. I really like his kids (6 and 10), but ever since we got married, they treat me horribly. They’re rude, refuse to do what I ask, and constantly run to their dad to tell him how horrible I am. He tends to take their side. This is causing more disagreements between me and my husband. I’m worried that our marriage is doomed. What can I do to save it?

A. You’d be surprised at how common this is. First marriages are complicated enough, but trying to blend two families with different routines and traditions is even harder. Add in a few kids, and the number of potential problems multiplies. Blending families is often harder on the children than on the adults; you’ve got some control over how things go, but they don’t even have a vote.

As a result, kids in blended families sometimes react by doing what you or I might do in unfamiliar (and possibly unwanted) situations: Do something – anything – to try to gain some control. Unfortunately, that can mean being annoying, rude and deceitful. To make matters worse, biological parents often under-discipline their kids – they’ve been through enough already, right? But none of this relieves your stepchildren of their obligation to respect you.

Your first order of business is to have a long adults-only sit-down with your hubby. He needs to hear your side of things without any interruptions. Then, the two of you should come up with a list of acceptable and unacceptable behaviors, expectations, consequences, and how much authority you’ll have to discipline the kids. Your husband has to be completely on board, because he’s the one who’ll have to tell it to the kids, and he has to be able – and willing – to enforce the rules.

If you and your husband can’t agree on household rules or discipline, this is a good time to discuss the situation with a neutral counselor who has experience dealing with blended families. It may take a few sessions to work through your differences and come up with something that’s acceptable to both of you. Be prepared to compromise. A lot.

In the meantime, here are a few ideas that may make your life a little easier:

Don’t expect overnight change. Some experts say it can take as long for blended family relationships to run smoothly as the age of the oldest child.

Understand that sooner or later, you’ll have to step in. Given what you’ve been dealing with, you may want to leave all of the disciplining and rule-enforcement to your husband. Nice idea, but it’s not an effective long-term solution.

Know your place. You want the kids to like and respect you, but you’re not their mother. Your goal should be to build a strong friend relationship with the kids. Anything more than that would be frosting on the cake. The stronger that relationship, the more likely the kids will be to take direction from you.

Finally, whether you’re with a counselor or alone with your husband, get into the habit of listening to each other carefully and respectfully. The kids will eventually grow up and leave home. Hopefully, your marriage will last long after they’ve gone.

Read Armin Brott’s blog at www.DadSoup.com, follow him on Twitter, @mrdad, or send email to armin@mrdad.com.