TV commercials give Slouch something to, well, tactfully debunk
I am America’s Viewer, which like America’s Poet Laureate, is a largely unappreciated, lowly paid position. They are similar pursuits: Our poet laureate reads poetry and writes verse; Couch Slouch watches TV and writes, uh, well, not verse – just stuff.
Anyway, as America’s Viewer, I am also America’s Commercial Viewer – deconstructing slogans and debunking Madison Avenue-isms – allowing me to bring weary readers our almost annual fall survey of the vast wasteland of ads littering televised sports:
Time Warner Cable: “Enjoy better.” I could enjoy a five-course Bacchanalian feast while I’m on hold with TWC to discuss a billing issue.
Audi: “Truth in Engineering.” Thank goodness, because I hate dishonesty in engineering.
United Airlines: “Fly the friendly skies.” Friendly skies? I don’t board a flight any more without elbow pads and legal counsel.
McDonald’s: “I’m lovin’ it.” Have you had an old-fashioned regular hamburger under the golden arches lately? To quote an ad campaign from 30 years ago, “Where’s the beef?”
Arby’s: “We Have The Meat.” Can you lend some to McDonald’s for its burger?
Jiffy Lube: “Leave Worry Behind.” Uh, you’d be worried, too, sitting in a Jiffy Lube waiting for some 23-year-old grease monkey to come in and show you 23 things wrong with your engine.
State Farm: “Get to a better state.” I would, but my office sofa is a long way from Maine.
Carl’s Jr.: “Eat Like You Mean It.” Hey, I’m 20 pounds overweight – I must be eating like I mean it.
Toyota: “Let’s Go Places.” I’d love to, but I’m a little worried about hidden accelerator problems.
Chevrolet: “Find New Roads.” I’d love to, but it’s tough to get past all the broken-down Chevys on the side of the highway.
Mercedes-Benz: “The best or nothing.” To be honest, nothing is starting to wear on me.
Lincoln: “Live In Your Moment.” At the moment, I wouldn’t mind a nap.
(Column Intermission: The next time I see one of those creepy, painfully awkward and crazy hairy Rob Lowe DirecTV commercials, I am going to rent a truck from U-Haul and dump every DirecTV satellite dish I can find on Lowe’s front lawn; if he doesn’t have a front lawn, I’ll leave them in the garage next to his box of unsold sex tapes.)
Oberto Original Beef Jerky: “You Get Out What You Put In.” “I don’t even know what that means,” I said to Toni, a.k.a. She Is The One. She responded, “Of course you don’t know what that means – it’s applicable to marriage and it’s applicable to beef jerky.”
Capital One: “What’s in your wallet?” Considering everyone keeps reaching into it, not much.
Outback Steakhouse: “No Rules, Just Right.” I like rules; without rules, somebody’s always cutting the express line at Trader Joe’s.
Farmersonly.com: “You don’t have to be lonely.” This is a country-folks dating site. I’ve only lived in D.C. and L.A. – I’m looking for a disingenuous/power- hungry/lie-every-time-you-open-your-mouth dating site.
AT&T: “Mobilizing Your World.” I don’t need my world mobilized, I just need someone to bring me a case of Yuengling and a bag of Fritos.
Heineken: “Open your world.” You wanna open my world? Bring me a case of Yuengling and a bag of Fritos.
T-Mobile: “Un-leash.” Nobody – and I mean nobody – wants to see me un-leashed.
Taco Bell: “Live Más.” Something tells me I’ll “Live Menos” if I eat the new AM Crunch Wrap.
Voya Financial: “Changing the way you think of retirement.” Retirement? I’m already thinking of the afterlife.
Olive Garden: “We’re all family here.” Can’t anyone in this family cook?
Corona Extra: “Find your beach.” The problem in L.A. is not finding the beach, the problem is getting to the beach in under two hours.
Samsung: “The Next Big Thing Is Here.” How come the next big thing comes, like, every 15 minutes and costs so much?
Charles Schwab: “Own your tomorrow.” I can’t afford it.
Buffalo Wild Wings: “Wings. Beer. Sports.” Boy, how can that business miss?