It’s time again for a Slice Horoscope, the last one of 2014.
This is the only zodiac column written by someone who might pass you on a sidewalk or crowd you in an elevator.
As always, I guarantee this astrological forecast to be as accurate as any other.
Aries: This would be a good day to perform a Vulcan mind meld with a pumpkin.
Taurus: If you wear red today, exciting things will happen.
Gemini: Not everyone will embrace your often expressed view that “Columbus Day celebrates genocide,” but rage on.
Cancer: The stars suggest that you have secret admirers on the cusp of coming forward.
Leo: You need to own the reality that your shyness is part of your charm.
Virgo: Rethink your intention to keep saying “It’s Thanksgiving Day in Canada, eh.”
Libra: Don’t help someone on an airliner with his or her seatbelt unless that individual requests assistance.
Scorpio: Your chances for happiness improve if you don’t drink and drive.
Sagittarius: If all you ever say is “simmer down,” people won’t get to know the real you.
Capricorn: Many people enjoy the sound of your laughter. Spread it around.
Aquarius: One option when sending official workplace emails today is to give everyone the middle name “Bing.”
Pisces: Don’t get dragged down by negativity. Be rich, good-looking and successful.
Discord in the land: Spokane’s Chris Lang has always believed that there is a proper way to make a PB&J sandwich.
Slather peanut butter and jelly (or jam) on two pieces of bread. Then slap the two slices together and enjoy.
“Now it comes to my attention that some wrongheaded people (who I will not identify) feel it is necessary to first coat each of the two virgin slices of bread with butter (or, ick, margarine) before applying the PB&J. This just seems wrong and Un-American to me.”
Warm-up question: Ever been in a public restroom at the same time a famous person was using the facilities?
Today’s Slice question: What big news event distracted people at the wedding or reception on the day you got married?