Carolyn Hax: After trauma, take time to reflect

Dear Carolyn: In June, I ended a long-distance relationship after several stormy months.

The evening when we broke up for good, she attempted suicide. Very fortunately, she told me what she had done and I was able to call the paramedics in time. We spoke once she got out of the psych ward and have had no communication since then.

I’ve gone to a therapist several times, which has been helpful.

My problem is that I’m having trouble moving on. It’s not that I still want to be with her, it’s just that I don’t want to date anyone. This was about three months ago, so it’s not as if it happened yesterday, but I have zero interest in pursuing any relationship.

I’m 32 and virtually all of my friends are married or starting families. I feel like I should want to pursue a relationship, but dating holds no appeal at the moment. – Unmotivated

What’s going on here is that you had a traumatic experience and you haven’t yet recovered enough to want to take that same risk again. It doesn’t need to be any more complicated than that.

Creating something volatile with one person doesn’t mean every, or even any, other relationship you have will be just as unstable, of course. But forcing yourself back into circulation before you’ve made sense of your emotional state just invites confusion, miscommunication and self-sabotage; it’s hard to get what you need when you aren’t clear what your needs really are.

Now is the time to reflect – or continue reflecting – on this difficult relationship to see whether there were signs you missed or contributions you made. It’s also time to work on finding contentment as you are, since that will be your point of reference when you do feel ready to date again. When you ask yourself, “Does this person add to my life, or take away from it?,” you’ll get a more reliable answer if the “before” is a fulfilling one.