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Opinion >  Column

Doug Clark: Spokane caricatures are standout Halloween options

Halloween rears its haunted head Friday, and you know what that means.

That’s right. Every Spokane-area bank, office and mortuary will be crawling with witches and vampires and the rest of them pretending to be Seahawks quarterback Russell Wilson.

( Spoiler alert: Even the East Sprague Hookers League is getting into the Seahawks act, giving out blue-and-green condoms as a “treat for every trick.”)

Fortunately, there’s still time to resist conformity.

Follow my instructions and you can create a snazzy local-themed costume guaranteed to help you soar above the humdrum Halloween herd.

Let the imagining begin.

• This first costume needs several easy-to-acquire items:

Namely, a polyester suit (boy’s department preferably), boring tie and the entire bankroll from a Monopoly game.

Arrange the bills so that most of it is sticking out from all of the pockets.

Fan the rest of it in your hands and wave the loot around theatrically.

Now yell the following in a very loud, grating voice:

“Raise? I don’t need no steen-king raise!”

Aw, you probably guessed this one already.

That’s right. You’re Spokane Mayor David “Warbucks” Condon, who not long ago inherited $1 million from a family friend and, more recently, turned down a controversial $7,000 raise.

Hmm. I wonder if Mayor Condon will be my family friend?

• Those of you who went out on Halloween dressed as Mayor Condon last year can still cash in on this Monopoly money angle.

The only catch is that you’ll need the bills from a couple dozen games at least to pull this off.

No suit and tie is required, however. For this character you’ll need to borrow all the crimson-and-gray Cougar wear you can find, ala sweatpants, T-shirt, ball cap, jockstrap, etc.

Once attired, start waving the money like it was a flag.

Maybe set some of it on fire.

Now blow the whistle that’s hanging around your neck while doing a happy dance of joy.

And why are you so darned joyful?

You’re Wazzu football coach Mike Leach, of course.

You’re the guy who is raking in $2.75 million a year despite the fact that your team is in last place with a 1-4 Pac-12 Conference record.

That’s $2.75 MILLION A YEAR!!

Pretty scary, huh?

Don’t worry. I’m not forgetting you ladies.

• Here’s a dilly of a Halloween costume that is bound to be extremely popular at parties.

All you need is about four or five plants worth of high-grade marijuana.

Don’t let that put you off. After voters said yes to legalization, obtaining grass in Washington is easier than spotting seagulls at Dick’s.

Cover your body with leaves and buds using duct tape or a hot glue gun. Make a hat and gloves with the rest of it.

Now you’re ready to hit the streets as the Attack of the Weed Woman.

Or our very own pot-farming City Council member, Karen “Spocannabis” Stratton.

Before we leave, let’s play a quick round of what I call, “Halloween Costume Addition.”

• Pistol, plus hair-trigger temper, plus firing mental blanks = “The Unwelcome Matt Shea.”

• Fur coat, plus badge, plus friendly but will bite when cornered = Ozzie Bear.

• Goat manure, plus pig manure, plus chicken manure = Ben Stuckart’s urban farming ordinance.

• Invisible campaign, plus lost cause, plus not a ghost of a chance = Joe Spookootas.

Boo!

Doug Clark is a columnist for The Spokesman-Review. He can be reached at (509) 459-5432 or dougc@spokesman.com.

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