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The Spokesman-Review Newspaper
Spokane, Washington  Est. May 19, 1883

Couch Slouch says Mayweather-Pacquiano price extravagant

In a stunning intersection of sport, commerce and eye-popping-greed- that-empties- somebody’s-wallet capitalism, the Floyd Mayweather-Manny Pacquiao boxing blockbuster on Saturday will be available in homes across TV Land for a mere $90 (actually, $89.95) – and if you want it in high definition, it will be $100 (actually, $99.95).

Extravagant price aside, I will say this: If you’re planning to pay-per-view this extravaganza and are considering watching it in standard definition to save 10 bucks, you ought to just listen to the fight instead on radio, if you can find it.

Anyway, let’s take a moment here to remember how we got to this point in America.

In the dawn of the television era, someone smarter and more cynical than Couch Slouch pointed out a simple truth:

Consumers were being asked to spend a lot of money on a TV set, with the promise that program providers would provide programming.

Now, exactly how long did you expect the content streaming into your at-home video box would be FREE?

So they get you to make this sizable investment on this big-ticket electronic device, and after hooking you in and creating a nightly habit you can’t kick – bang! – they then start charging you to feed that habit.

What were you going to do, start reading books again?

Which brings us to Saturday, in which sports viewers have a cavalcade of viewing choices – Yankees-Red Sox, Angels-Giants and Reds-Braves MLB games, the NHL playoffs, a possible Game 7 in the NBA playoffs, Day 3 of the NFL draft and the Kentucky Derby. All for free.*

Or Mayweather-Pacquiao for $100 (actually, $99.95).

*When I say “free,” uh, it’s not really free. Most of us will tune in to those weekend events through a cable or satellite service – like Time Warner Cable or DirecTV – whose top executives are driving Lexus SUVs by day and sipping Grey Goose by night courtesy of inflated subscriber fees.

I’m usually hesitant to compare stuff from different eras, but I recall in the late 1970s and early ‘80s, I paid $440 a semester in tuition at the University of Maryland, which covered five hour-long courses each taught three times a week, plus parking. Now, 35 years later, they want me to pay $100 (actually, $99.95) just to watch two guys punch each other in the head on TV for maybe an hour.

(In reality, nobody get’s punched in the head that much in most Mayweather fights. It’s amazing how much money he’s made in the ring, usually just by avoiding getting hit. Mayweather’s specialty, actually, is hitting people outside of the ring, usually women.)

Even without harking back to a bygone era, Mayweather-Pacquiao doesn’t hold up well value-wise; let’s compare it to, say, NBA League Pass. For $100 (actually, $99.95), Mayweather-Pacquiao could be over in less than five minutes. For just twice the cost, $199, NBA League Pass gives you hundreds of NBA matchups over several months, each providing 2½ hours of video entertainment – well, save for Knicks games.

A hundred bucks to watch a fight on TV? That’s a hundred bags of Fritos from the dollar store.

For a hundred bucks, I need Pacquiao to knock out Mayweather, then come over and spackle the cracks in my rec-room wall before preparing some Crunchy Almond-Crusted Duck Breasts With Chanterelle Salad for me and Toni.

The smart thing to do, if you insist on ordering the fight – considering this is the land of Andrew Carnegie and Mark Zuckerberg – would be to capitalize on it by charging your friends, like a nightclub. I’d suggest a $10 cover, two-drink minimum, plus provide complimentary popcorn and salty pretzels to spike beverage sales.

I’d go a step further and bring in some live entertainment – a local comedian or pantomime artist, depending on the crowd – and, weather permitting, run a dice game in the back patio area. You also might want to emulate a real fight card and give your guests an “undercard” – maybe a “Game of Thrones” episode or two before the big bout begins.

And, on second thought, I’d recommend charging $9.95 to get in the door.

Ask The Slouch

Q. Jameis Winston now says he didn’t steal those crab legs, they were given to him. Does this change your perspective on him? (David Weiss; Scottsdale, Arizona)

A. If he were smart enough to cook those crab legs in garlic butter, yes; otherwise, no.

Q. Did I read correctly that the proposed Chargers-Raiders NFL stadium in Los Angeles might shoot lightning bolts after Chargers touchdowns? (Tom McManus; Chicago)

A. To be honest, we could really use the rain out here.

Q. After seeing Reds manager Bryan Price’s 77 f-bombs ranked only 8th on the all-time list, I expected to see one of your ex-wives in the top 7. (Jim O’Brien; Racine, Wisconsin)

A. Actually, each of my ex-wives specialized in the silent treatment.

Q. Now that Major League Baseball has partnered with DraftKings, will Pete Rose’s fantasy team be banned for life? (Mike Wilsman; Severna Park, Maryland)

A. Pay the man, Shirley.

   Norman Chad is a syndicated columnist. You, too, can enter his $1.25 Ask The Slouch Cash Giveaway. Just email asktheslouch@aol.com and, if your question is used, you win $1.25 in cash!