Miss Manners: Should obituary list estranged daughters?

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband’s two daughters estranged themselves from him more than 20 years ago. Their actions were likely inspired by their deceased mother, who had severe emotional problems, but neither has chosen to explain her reasons. He has four grandchildren he has never met.

Although he has made many thoughtful efforts to heal the wounds and seek reconciliation, he has not been successful. He has an excellent relationship with his son and daughter-in-law, as do I.

My husband is now in his 80s. He has asked me how I would phrase his obituary – in terms of survivors – if he predeceases me.

My initial impulse is to list the daughters, their husbands and their children, along with his son and daughter-in-law. Yet it seems strange to include children he’s never met and a son-in-law he met only once. The daughters have been dishonest and unkind with their father, and part of me says they don’t deserve to be listed.

But if they are omitted, many casual friends who know the daughters but not the situation will surely find it strange. I want to take the high road. The question is much on my husband’s mind, and I want above all to be kind and respectful to him.

GENTLE READER: It is not the purpose of an obituary to thank the people who have behaved well to the deceased. Rather, it is intended to be a tiny, instant account of that person’s life.

Miss Manners understands your desire to reassure your husband, but if you have to give him an answer, you might point out that excluding the daughters would indeed create curiosity from those who know the family.