Doug Clark: Rushing out the door helps clear the air

All your questions answered about Spokane-area skulduggery.

Q: With so many fires burning, have you ever seen our air this bad?

A: It is bad except for the brief moment of fresh air that blew west of Spokane earlier this week.

Q: You must be hallucinating. What clean air?

A: The sweet breeze that came with the news that the racially insensitive nincompoop who referred to the Obamas as monkeys was quitting his job as mayor of Airway Heights.

Q: Patrick Rushing?

A: Don’t go away mad, mayor, just go away.

Q: In a news release, Rushing said he “found it difficult to continue due to my declining health issues.” You buy that?

A: Only if you replace “declining health issues” with “classless lack of taste.”

Q: Do you find it reassuring that 28 out of 45 Airway Heights employees signed a letter condemning the mayor?

A: Marginally. But I’m more embarrassed for the 17 chicken-hearts who didn’t sign the letter condemning the mayor.

Q: Is there anything worthwhile to be found in Rushing’s mayoral legacy?

A: He called Facebook a “tool of the devil.” No argument there.

Q: Turning to government, can you believe Spokane is lending itself the money to build that so-called East Mission bridge?

A: This calls to mind an age-old economic idiom.

Q: Robbing Peter to pay Paul?

A: More like Jesse James robbing brother Frank to pay the Dalton Gang.

Q: You have a very cynical view of government, don’t you?

A: That’s the nicest thing anyone has ever said about me.

Q: Getting back to smoke, is there a silver lining to be found in any of these soot-filled clouds?

A: I’ve heard that the downtown street kids are happy.

Q: Happy?

A: No need to buy cigarettes. They just hang around the bus plaza now, breathing deeply.

Q: I’m guessing you have plenty to say about Envision Spokane trying to get its “Worker Bill of Rights” measure on the November ballot, huh?

A: We’ve definitely seen this one before.

Q: As in the other times Envision made the ballot?

A: No, the Communist Manifesto.

Q: Doesn’t sound like you’d vote for it, does it?

A: After voting against it, I plan to steal a neighbor’s ballot so I can vote no again.

Q: Want to look at crime a moment?

A: I thought we just did.

Q: I mean real illegal activities like what, in your opinion, is Spokane’s biggest crime threat?

A: Gangs, without question. I can’t speak for all of Spokane, but tough, nasty gangs are running rampant across the South Hill.

Q: Hells Angels?

A: Wild Turkeys.

Q: What?

A: These fearless damn birds are everywhere, blocking traffic and trespassing without any regard for American property rights.

Q: I can see where that might be a nuisance. But isn’t it a bit extreme to brand wandering turkey herds as a crime spree?

A: Come look at the black oily piles that these gangsters left in my yard the other day. If that’s not criminal behavior I’ll kiss a marmot.

Q: Really? That bad?

A: Turkeys have worse toilet habits than the Occupy Movement.

Q: I couldn’t believe my eyes when I read that the Spokane Police Department has transferred an employee to the Parks Department with the SPD paying her near 90 grand-a-year salary (raise included) as a spokeswoman. What gives?

A: The SPD has a history of being less transparent than that aforementioned turkey excrement.

Q: But the Parks Department already has a spokeswoman. Why in the world would we need two?

A: The Parks Department needs another flack like Spokane needs another cannabis shop.

Q: What do you think’s going on?

A: I doubt it’s part of the “jobs and economic growth” razzmatazz that Mayor David Condon’s been campaigning on.

Q: Life gets pretty screwy in good ol’ Spokane, huh?

A: There should be no mystery as to why we’re playing host to a science fiction convention.