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Opinion >  Column

The Slice: Seek and ye shall find

Hey, kids!

You know how you annually look for your unwrapped Christmas presents but seldom find them?

Well, you can improve your search results if you take advantage of a new gifthound service being offered by this column.

Yes, your old pal Uncle Slice is here to help. The service is called YuleFind. And all you need to do is call The Slice, provide a credit card number and schedule an appointment for a time when your parents will not be home.

I’ll send out our crack team of 10-year-olds to sniff out your presents.

These junior associates will have undergone extensive gift-location training at the YuleFind Academy. Our motto: “Dec. 25 is a long ways off. Why wait for Santa?”

At YuleFind, we rely on tried and true techniques pioneered by my late older brother when he was a youth in the early 1960s. His hard-target explorations of our modest home never failed to uncover electric trains, a slot-car set or a Mattel Thingmaker.

The details of his precise strategies are proprietary. But if you call now, while operators are standing by, we’ll throw in – absolutely free – a special class in how to act surprised on Christmas morning.

“A Lego set! Oh, my goodness. I never would have guessed this was what you had in your bedroom closet behind that hat box!”

Your parents might think they are pretty clever, putting your loot in the luggage stored in the basement. They might believe that instructing you not to look for your gifts in the garage constitutes a binding oral contract.

But they haven’t counted on trying to outsmart YuleFind.

At YuleFind, we believe a child’s natural curiosity should not be stifled. We believe inquisitive young minds should be guided and nurtured. That’s why we even offer helpful tips on unwrapping presents (enough to reveal an informing peek at the contents) without ruining the decorative paper or having to blame the dog.

And kids, you may rest assured that our discreet junior associates will stay on task while at your home. They will not be sidetracked by any guns, porn or cannabis they happen to uncover.

So don’t cry, don’t pout. Call now. YuleFind is here to help make the season bright.

Today’s Slice question: Who do you not swear in front of?

Write The Slice at P. O. Box 2160, Spokane, WA 99210; call (509) 459-5470; email Do you know people who would not even consider buying a Japanese car?

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