Doug Clark: His latest altruistic endeavor is taking the $90,000 job flacking for city parks

After a serious review of all the police and political scandals that Spokane is currently mired in, I have decided to get involved by accepting the $90,000 communications job being offered at the parks department.

My altruism is motivated by the immortal words of John F. Kennedy, who said, “Ask not what your country can do for you, ask …”

Come on, 90 grand a year for doing parks department public relations?

Count me in!

This is the position that was filled last spring by police department spokeswoman Monique Cotton, who was transferred abruptly to parks due to what appears to be excessively creepy conduct by her boss, former police Chief Frank Straub.

Cynics contend the subsequent attempt to keep a lid on what was going on was orchestrated for mayoral re-election purposes.

Or as one dared ask …

What did Mayor David Condon know – and when did he stop knowing it?

“The buzzards are circling over City Hall and (the mayor’s) first term isn’t even over yet,” observed a friend.

Speaking of buzzards, Straub was moved with full pay to another city department so he could fiddle around with reports and sue the municipal pants off us.

Sure know how to pick ’em, huh Mayor?

But in this avaricious spirit I’ve decided it’s time to grab my slice of the public pie.

Don’t worry. I’ll keep the newspaper gig and do the parks communicating between naps and coffee breaks.

SAMPLE PARKS PRESS RELEASE 1: “Spokane parks officials announced Friday that the Riverfront Carrousel will be closed over the weekend for hazmat chewing gum removal on the tiger, 32 horses and one chariot bench.”

For purposes of accurate reporting the parks job is being called “division communications manager,” which is like calling the Paulsen Building a skyscraper. The pay range is $74,124 to $91,329, but I’ll settle for the near-$90,000 the SPD’s been giving Cotton.

I assumed the parks honchos would just let her keep the job what with all she’s been through. But now that it’s up for grabs, well, I think it’s pretty obvious who has the inside track on communicating.

SAMPLE PARKS PRESS RELEASE 2: “Spokane parks officials want to remind Riverfront Park patrons that while it’s okay to feed the ducks, tossing bread at panhandlers can result in bites that sometimes cause infections.”

I used to think that one of government’s biggest failures is the way it throws taxpayer money around on worthless projects and overblown salaries.

This is why most locals, when asked about reincarnation, say they want to come back as “someone really rich, like Bill Gates or a Spokane Fire Department captain.”

But that was before I wised up.

And don’t get me wrong. I’m not trying to minimize all the hard work put in by those miscommunication professionals who work in more grueling venues like government and city halls.

Telling falsehoods and smooching fannies day in and day out must be incredibly tiring.

But flacking for the parks department?

Parks are about fun, frolic and folderol. Gondola rides on sunny days across the river. Flowers.

Who wouldn’t want to do that?

SAMPLE PARKS PRESS RELEASE 3: “In reaction to Friday’s missing Wenatchee boy, Spokane parks officials are once again advising all Riverfront Park visitors not to stand too close to the Garbage Goat while it’s running.”

Man, I’m a natural at this PR stuff.

Doug Clark is a columnist for The Spokesman-Review. He can be reached at (509) 459-5432 or dougc@spokesman.com.