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Opinion >  Column

The Slice: Santa hats and you

Donning a Santa hat does what to your personality?

A) Fills me with an urge to tell kids they’ll shoot their eye out. B) It makes me want to sue the city. C) Clausian headwear does not change me. D) It fills me with the desire to rule all of Spokane’s elves with a tinsel fist.

E) Brings out the noise, brings out the jolly. F) It makes me more cookie-minded. G) Brings out the holiday nitwit in me. H) Makes me want to talk like pirate Santa. “Arrrrr, ho ho.”

I) Brings out my inner Clark Griswold. J) Makes me want a louder truck. K) Fills me with peace. L) It makes my default scowl look ironic.

M) Makes me sing, “As mayor of the marmot city…” N) It fills me with a desire to give away personal electronics. O) Gives me the power to identify naughty or nice at a mere glance. P) Lends a certain dignity to my seasonal brooding.

Q) Makes me want to dance and spike egg nog. R) Fills me with a yearning to restore a 1940s sleigh. S) I become more reflective than usual. T) I’m more comfortable around ungulates.

U) Puts me in the mood for baked goods. V) Makes me want to say, “I’m comin’ to town, baby.” W) Find myself craving figgy pudding.

X) I’m less passive aggressive, more active aggressive. Y) Unstoppable zaniness. Z) Other.

Today’s “couldn’t stop laughing” story: “My daughter and I were watching the Summer Olympics way back in the ’80s late one night,” wrote Nancy Hawley. “An announcer came on and said, in a golf commentator’s whisper, ‘And now the U.S. team will perform with ribbons and balls.’

“Turns out it was a rhythmic gymnastics routine that we were unaware was an Olympic event. I called my other daughter to tell her and was laughing so hard I had to pass the phone to my daughter because I couldn’t speak.”

Today’s Slice question: How much money would you be willing to give to a college sports program so you could stand around in a nicely appointed private room at halftime (and after the game) and drink beer with other donors and occasionally rub shoulders with 20-year-old athletes encouraged to mingle with you?

Write The Slice at P. O. Box 2160, Spokane, WA 99210; call (509) 459-5470; email pault@spokesman.com. Tom Boden’s Dr. Seuss Christmas story set in Spokane would be “How Ballcap Guy Stole Christmas.” It would involve a lifted 4WD pickup and at least one dog.

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