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Opinion >  Column

The Slice: Hopefully, there’s a dog nearby

If you are in a room full of people and a Super Bowl commercial makes you cry, what will you do?

A) Stare straight ahead and casually wipe eyes with sleeve.

B) Silently admit that the folks at Sterling Cooper Draper Pryce know what they are doing.

C) Try to regain composure by thinking of something sobering.

D) Try to regain composure by biting your lip.

E) Just go ahead and dissolve into a blubbering mess.

F) Hug a dog.

G) Mumble something about your allergies.

H) Remind yourself that the commercial is not depicting real life.

I) Splash wine in your face so no one will notice your tears.

J) Instruct yourself to “Man up.”

K) Try to regain composure by biting the person next to you on the couch.

L) As you always do in times of stress, turn to pizza for solace.

M) Ask, “Was that wolf going to hurt that little dog?”

N) Grab the remote and change the channel.

O) Make eye contact with someone who is also crying and fall in love with that person.

P) Rebuke yourself for being so easily manipulated.

Q) Stand up and launch into your impression of Mr. Joe Cocker performing “Cry Me a River.”

R) Dab your eyes with the silk scarf being worn by the stranger standing next to you.

S) Recall the immortal words of your high school coach, “Tough it out, you pissants!”

T) Just let the tears flow. Anybody made uncomfortable by your display of honest emotion can sign up for therapy.

U) Admit that, in truth, you have always had deep feelings about beer.

V) Laugh at yourself and say, “Well, a focus group somewhere sure earned its money.”

W) Admit that you should have spent more time inoculating yourself on www.youtube.com before game day.

X) Bury your face in a consenting adult’s sweater.

Y) Ask the host of the party if you can take a shower.

Z) Other.

Today’s Slice question: Can you recall a time when you were out in public and realized that you were experiencing a serious wardrobe malfunction?

Write The Slice at P. O. Box 2160, Spokane, WA 99210; call (509) 459-5470; email pault@spokesman.com. Thank you for the kind notes.

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