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The Spokesman-Review Newspaper
Spokane, Washington  Est. May 19, 1883

Ready to vote these clowns off the island

I had a few minutes to kill the other day so I decided to end all the bickering over amnesty for undocumented workers.

And as you probably guessed, I’ve come up with the perfect solution.

We’ve been wasting time arguing about citizenship when we should have been focusing on that other soft “c” word: civility.

So here’s my idea.

With your approval, I’d like to establish the first Board of Comportment, which will pass judgment on jackasses who give the rest of us a bad name.

Board motto: “Better Comport or We’ll Deport!

To ensure complete fairness, the Board of Comportment will be run by me, naturally, with five or six of my friends to hold rubber stamps.

Rules are simple. For every jackass sent packing, I will grant automatic amnesty for a dozen undocumented workers who have come to America to get a job and mind their own business.

I’ll show you what I mean …

• The Board of Comportment calls Conrad Hilton III as designated jackass No. 1.

This rich brat had two strikes against him just by being spoiled to the bone and the younger brother of leggy professional trollop Paris Hilton.

But recent reports about a tantrum the 20-year-old pulled while on a 10-hour flight from London to Los Angeles last July have elevated Conrad to a whole new level of social irritant.

The “wealthy man-child,” according to the Washington Post, is accused of “threatening the flight crew, smoking aboard the plane, making children cry with his profanity-laced tirades and calling everyone who dared be annoyed by his antics ‘peasants.’ ”

I’ve been on plenty of long, miserable flights.

There have been times, sure, when I would have loved to raise holy hell over the embolism-inducing seats, inadequate grub and air smelling of feet.

Fact: On a flight to Turkey I accidentally dropped my leather-bound reporter’s notebook into the chemical toilet.

Did I curse and take it out on the flight attendants?

No. Civil citizens suffer in silence.

We sit there and we read our stained SkyMall catalogues and pray for the plane to land in one piece.

“And please, God, please. Don’t ever make me have to use my seat cushion as a flotation device.”

Conrad III believes the rules of behavior don’t apply to the likes of him.

Quoting CNN, “When Hilton became enraged because a flight attendant was following him, he shouted several times, ‘I am going to (bleeping) kill you!’ ”

And …

“Hilton yelled several times, saying ‘I will (bleeping) own anyone on this flight; they are (bleeping) peasants.’ ”

Conrad, you jackass, you’re deported!

• The Board next calls Lance Armstrong.

Outed as a cheat. Medals and titles stripped away. Loathed by those who once loved him.

A lying louse like Lance would be smart to slip into a hole and never be seen again.

Trouble with lice is that they keep crawling back.

To quote a recent Associated Press story …

“Disgraced cyclist Lance Armstrong hit two parked cars with an SUV after a night of partying in Aspen, Colorado, but agreed to let his longtime girlfriend take the blame to avoid national attention, police reports show.”

Lance, you once were my hero. Now you’re a zero.

Adios, jackass!

• Finally, the Board welcomes NBC news anchor Brian Williams.

This will make me sound old and quaint. But there was a time in journalism where telling falsehoods would automatically get you canned.

No, really.

Now comes Williams, who has been caught telling lies about being under enemy fire.

Who does this prevaricator think he is, Hillary Clinton?

Meanwhile, the talking heads are debating ethics while reports of more Williams’ whoppers are investigated.

Williams has “temporarily” taken a breather from his anchor gig.

How generous of him.

He just hopes all the blowback will blow away, of course.

But nobody blows off the Board of Comportment.

In this case, however, mere deportation is too good for the likes of a valor-stealing, overpaid anchorman. This case calls for the harshest of punishments, a living hell that will serve as a deterrent to fibbing journalists everywhere.

Brian, I sentence you to life – on the Fox News Channel.

Doug Clark is a columnist for The Spokesman-Review. He can be reached at (509) 459-5432 or dougc@spokesman.com.