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Doug Clark: Don’t deprive the column of Fagan fodder

Doug Clark
Doug Clark

Calls and emails rolled in from readers wanting me to grab a pitchfork, light a torch and join the mob that is trying to chase Mike Fagan out of City Hall because of his wacky views on immunization.

I’ve never felt so misunderstood.

It’s like you people don’t even know me.

I wasn’t going to weigh into this issue because, well, so much Fagan scolding already has been done.

But now I feel compelled to step into the fray as the one lone voice crying …

Leave Mike Fagan ALONE!!!

Need I remind you of a few salient points?

1. Fagan and his conservative cronies called Washington Gov. Jay Inslee a “lying whore.”

2. Fagan once criticized the public library system’s storytime and genealogy programs as being examples of “why government in my mind has gotten out of control.”

3. Fagan led the crusade against Spokane’s near-naked baristas, exposing the community to the term “anal cleft.”

4. Council President Ben Stuckart now wants Fagan to quit his seat on the health board because of the councilman’s distrust of vaccines and linking infectious diseases to illegal aliens.

5. Fagan always returns my phone calls.

Two words, people:

Column Gold!

I like Fagan. Granted, letting a councilman with such jaundiced views of vaccines sit on a public health board is like hiring Seth Rogen to speak at an anti-pot rally.

Vaccines work. Vaccines save lives.

Hooray for medicine!

But keeping Fagan on the health board is not about logic. This is about what’s best for the greater good – namely me.

Nonsense is my business. Malarkey keeps the verbiage flowing and the paychecks rolling.

Hey, I just had a thought.

Given Fagan’s epidemiological views, I’m guessing he might not be exactly up to date on vaccinations.

In other words, we have no idea what sort of voodoo pathogens this man could be harboring.

Stuckart and the rest of the council should give serious thought to wearing surgical masks and rubber gloves when they’re sitting close to the man during meetings.

Hey, I’m not saying I’m certain Fagan is crawling with anything catchable.

But would it hurt to douse the council table with Lysol every now and then? I don’t think so.

Besides, think of the hilarious photos this could make for the newspaper.

I don’t want to cause any public panic. But research has shown that the measles bug alone is harder to get rid of than George McGrath when he’s bloviating.

To be fair, Fagan, like every political leader, has had his share of hits along with his misses.

Unfortunately, the hits aren’t any fun to write about.

But it is healthy to have at least one councilman who can articulate the conservative side of issues. Right now, our council could pass for a Democrat steering committee.

Speaking of which, if anyone thinks anti-vaccination extremism is limited to the far right, think again.

There are plenty of crystal waving, liberal-minded airheads out there who’d rather put their faith in herbs and enemas than vaccines or anything that even sniffs of established medicine.

I know. I met quite a few of them the last time the city tried to fluoridate the water supply.

And sure enough, the issue was shot down again by a diversity of paranoid ignorance.

Anti-thought is an equal-opportunity disease.

Maybe someday someone will come up with a vaccine. Trouble is, the kooks needing it most will never take the cure.

Doug Clark can be reached at (509) 459-5432 or dougc@spokesman.com.