Annie’s Mailbox: Put ex’s family’s feelings first

Dear Annie: I had been living with “Rafe” for 10 years until we split up several months ago. Recently, he called to say that his brother had died. I wanted to attend the funeral, but Rafe said he didn’t want me to be there because we weren’t together anymore.

This made me upset and it hurt. Then he said his family probably wouldn’t want me there, either. Since I knew his brother, I feel I should have shown up and paid respects. What difference does it make if we’re together or not? I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel now. I am sensitive and Rafe doesn’t care that he hurts my feelings. – Ex-Girlfriend

Dear Ex: This isn’t about you. It is about Rafe and his family. If they were uncomfortable having you at the funeral, it was right for you to stay away. It is natural that you wanted to pay your respects, but their feelings come first. It would be very gracious of you to send a condolence card to Rafe and his family, expressing your sadness over their loss, and perhaps sharing a fond memory of Rafe’s brother.

Dear Annie: I’d like to weigh in on servers calling people “Hon” or “Sweetheart.”

I’m a widower in my 60s. I agree almost entirely with those who dislike being called “Sweetie” by servers.

I used to go to a coffee shop four times a week. About three years ago, as if someone flipped a switch, I began to be addressed as “Sweetie” or “Sweetheart.” It came with a condescending tone, too. I heard them address older women the same way. I quit going there. I took my late wife’s brother to our local steakhouse. The young hostess escorted us to the darkest corner and after we were seated, lit the table candle and said coyly, “This will make it more romantic for you guys.”

Maybe these young females should get some sensitivity training before they are put into positions where they come into contact with the public. Just because we are over 60 doesn’t mean we suddenly need coddling. – Sonora, California