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Opinion >  Column

The Slice: Tax advice proves timeless

Paul Turner is taking some time off this summer. In his absence, we dive into the archives at Slice Central. Today, we revisit July 19, 2001.

You’re busy. So The Slice will save you some financial planning time. Here are a few possible uses for your tax refund:

1. Pay some vanity press to publish “Chicken Soup for the Cranky Spokane Conservative’s Soul.”

2. Erect a finger-like skyscraper downtown. Call it Naysayer Tower.

3. File paperwork aimed at getting your shed listed on the National Register of Historic Places. Get tax benefits. Declare yourself a community hero.

4. Arm the few remaining grizzlies in the Selkirks with automatic rifles.

5. Start all-polka radio station.

6. Produce your own “Planet of the Apes” sequel in which everybody decides that, having read the polarized letters to the editor year after year, thermonuclear annihilation might just be the best thing for all concerned.

7. Launch lobbying campaign to criminalize fuel-inefficient vehicles.

8. Go online and bid on Flubber.

9. Sock it away and rest easy knowing that at least a few hours of your retirement will be funded.

10. Establish a program of grants and scholarships aimed at uplifting the children of soap-opera watchers.

11. Fund research designed to determine what’s wrong with people.

12. Start music label, “Spoho Records.” Return cassettes to West Side bands with notes saying, “This just doesn’t do it for me.”

13. Establish a therapy outreach program for golfers in denial about the fact that their spouses hate them, their kids don’t know them, their bosses despise them and all they are worried about is their irons game.

14. Hire someone to attend meetings for you.

15. Offer cash rewards to parents who don’t try to be clever or trendy when naming newborns.

16. Start a slush fund with the goal of bribing public officials until you get your way all the time.

17. Launch an advertising campaign to promote your bold proposal that irresponsible Spokane pet owners be put to sleep.

18. Start an airline that offers discounts to no-luggage passengers willing to sit down and shut up.

19. Hire a flunky to stand in lines.

20. Retain counsel and have that attorney write vaguely threatening letters warning of dire consequences.

21. Pay fans of “reality TV” not to have children.

22. Start a religion. Ask believers for money.

23. Pay to have several million gallons of water dumped on those weird brown patches in your lawn.

24. Open “the people’s winery,” specializing in pretty labels and rotgut reds.

25. File class-action suit against the Washington State Lottery on behalf of those too dim to understand odds.

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