Miss Manners: Celebrate baby, don’t question it

DEAR MISS MANNERS: We found out my sister is pregnant (yay!), but inside the family, she had always said she would plan for a child a few more years down the road.

Upon hearing the news (after celebrations), and between just the two of us, I asked if they were trying when they conceived.

My mother says it is a social gaffe to ask anyone, family or not, about their family planning and should not be done under any circumstances.

My side is that it would be irresponsible to not ask that question, as it pertains directly to her and her husband’s mental and emotional state in the coming months.

This is not to say you should bandy about the information, merely that knowing it as a personal matter is important, as if the baby were not planned, saying the wrong thing could cause more harm.

So, does social etiquette absolve you of responsibility if you do misspeak, or is it a familial responsibility to understand the states of relatives’ well-being? If so, is it more important than the social blunder?

GENTLE READER: Let us assume that your sister did not plan the pregnancy. If she is nevertheless thrilled with her news, what difference could knowing the circumstances make to anything you may say?

And if she is not thrilled, what would you then refrain from saying? “That’s wonderful news – we’re so happy for you”? And what would you say instead? “Oh, tough luck”?

Your defense of your curiosity sounds like an attempt to use the cry of medical necessity to defend rudeness. You seem unaware that pregnancy – planned or not – can bring emotions that no outsiders may be able to anticipate.

Familial responsibility in this circumstance aligns with good manners, which prohibits the vulgarity of asking couples whether they were “trying.”

You should have allowed your sister to decide whether she wished to volunteer such information. Miss Manners can only hope the expectant mother refused to be dragged down by a statement, and instead replied, “We’re thrilled.”