Carolyn Hax: Whether at work or with kids, be all there
While I’m away, readers give the advice.
On parents who feel that “all we do is rush around”: A lot of us feel that. Be sure the kids are doing the extracurriculars they truly enjoy, not just because everyone else is doing it.
Then, focus on truly being present wherever you are. If you trust the child-care/school situation of your children, then totally focus on work when you’re at work. If you are with the kids, then totally focus on them. Put down the cellphone.
If you feel good about being with your kids when you are with them, and if you pay attention to them, then THEY will remember YOU. We’re doing what we are all supposed to do – work to support a family we love. – Trying to Take My Own Advice
On giving compliments when someone loses a dramatic amount of weight: Fat woman here. I’m 5’7”. I gained a lot of weight in my teenage years, mostly emotional eating resulting from sexual abuse in middle school. (In retrospect, I was partly, unconsciously, trying to hide my curves, blaming them for what my abuser did to me.) By the end of college, I weighed around 200 pounds. Over six months, I lost 50 pounds and was the slimmest of my life. All of a sudden, new people started talking to me, co-workers who never gave me the time of day. People I walked by every day who had averted their eyes and who I assumed were unfriendly all of a sudden complimented me on the weight loss, struck up conversations in the elevator.
Fast-forward a year, and I put the weight back on. Lots of reasons, mostly that I had not learned new coping skills and the new attention from men and women was terrifying. I didn’t want to be seen that much! And I hated the realization that all of the time they DID see me, they just saw me as unworthy of human interaction because all they could see was my fat, not my person.
I’ve yo-yo’d up and down for 10 years, every time getting the same result of suddenly being worthy of being treated like a human. If you are reading and are inclined to be kind to people in the process of losing weight, how about just being kind to people of all sizes and shapes? – Anonymous
On the fear of raising nerdy kids: I am an incorrigible nerd, and the child of similarly unapologetic nerds. My cousins are definitely nerds, and so are my brothers; the last time my youngest brother and I were in a car together we spent maybe 5-10 minutes performing the yo-momma fight from “Robot Chicken Star Wars” and the rest of the time dissecting anime. I love having this common ground with my family.
My parents delighted in our endless oddities, and, though we come from a strong-willed family to begin with, I think we are stronger because of their support. My weirdo brothers and I were never taught to pander to the “popular” masses; we were told from the start there was no shame in being ourselves. I think this is a message more kids need to hear. – Another Carolyn