The Slice: Straight from the horse’s mouth

The Slice likes to help parents of young children.

So today let’s answer some kids’ frequently asked questions about riding the Looff Carrousel at Riverfront Park.

Q: How come, no matter how much I exhort my horse to go faster, I can never catch my sister up ahead?

A: Your horse is lame and needs to be put down.

Q: Why can’t I ever grab the ring?

A: It’s either bad luck – your horse is always on the downstroke when you go by the ring holder – or your arms are too short.

Q: Should I be afraid of that tiger?

A: Not until he bites you.

Q: Why does the music make me nervous?

A: It reminds you of the carousel scene in Hitchcock’s “Strangers on a Train.”

Q: Will I get sick?

A: It depends on what you eat before you saddle up.

Q: What if the ride gets going too fast and I am flung from my steed?

A: That’s unlikely. But if it happens, have your grandparents put you on a stretcher and carry you across the street to O’Doherty’s. The good gentlemen there will brush you off and give you a few sips of stout. You will be back on your feet in no time.

Q: How will I know when I’m too old for the Carrousel?

A: Kid, you’re never too old for the Carrousel.

Q: My sister says I am a baby because I prefer to ride on the bench. What should I say to her?

A: You could inform her that you are secure in your personhood and that her views are irrelevant.

Q: Should I take a selfie?

A: Let your folks handle the pictures. Taking photos and videos of kids on the Carrousel is one way Spokane area moms and dads convince themselves they are good parents.

Q: My stuffed bear says riding the Carrousel is something I will remember forever. He says I will cherish those memories. Is that true?

A: Better listen to him, Flounder. He’s pre-med.

Q: Why is at least one of the horses carrying a pistol?

A: Haven’t you heard? This is the Wild West.

Today’s Slice question: What do you suppose your neighbors say about you?