Columnist Norman Chad can relax, there will be soccer this summer

On the brink of a national nightmare, on the doorstep of our darkest hour, on the verge of our greatest fears being realized, we have been saved:

Major League Soccer players and management finally negotiated a new collective bargaining agreement, averting a strike that would’ve wiped out the start of the 2015 season.

For an MLS aficionado such as myself, had we reached soccer’s nuclear winter, it would’ve been akin to whitetail deer orchestrating a work stoppage at the start of deer hunting season in Oklahoma.

When a players strike shortened the 1982 NFL season to nine games per team, Couch Slouch summoned up the emotional strength to get through it.

When a labor dispute ended the 1994 MLB season without a World Series, Couch Slouch summoned up the emotional strength of get through it.

When a lockout canceled the entire 2004-05 NHL season, I summoned up the emotional strength to get through it.

And when another lockout reduced the 2011-12 NBA season to 66 games, I summoned the emotional strength once again to get through it.

But even if I went to Costco and bought every case of emotional strength in stock, it could not sustain me through the loss of even a handful of MLS action.

If I don’t see Obafemi Martins score a goal once every two weeks, I break into a cold sweat.

Outside of my honeymoons, MLS has provided the most gratifying and exciting moments of my adult life-in-progress.

Who can ever forget Pete Marino scoring in the 16th minute to lead the Columbus Crew past the Tampa Bay Mutiny, 1-0, in July 1996?

Who can ever forget Sean Henderson scoring in the 42nd minute to lead the Colorado Rapids over FC Dallas, 1-0, in October 1997?

Who can ever forget Juan Agudelo scoring in the 76th minute to lead the New York Red Bulls past the Seattle Sounders, 1-0, in March 2011?

Who can ever forget Lee Nguyen scoring in the 35th minute to lead the New England Revolution over Toronto FC, 1-0, in October 2014?

For 19 seasons, from March to October, the world’s greatest players – well, not the world’s greatest players but some decent lads – have satisfied my MLS sweet tooth.

Sure, I appreciate the World Cup, but the MLS Cup always has been my top-of-the-heap futbol experience. The MLS Cup is New Year’s Eve, Mardi Gras and the NFL scouting combine rolled into one; heck, my annual MLS Cup party makes Vanity Fair’s after-Oscars party look like a Tupperware party.

I am reminded, though, of two minor complaints I have with my beloved MLS.

The aggregate-goal playoff format leading up to the MLS Cup – in which the team that scores the most goals in a two-game series advances – is the worst idea since the Stamp Act. It is so 19th century; in fact, I believe the Scottish Football League was the first to use aggregate goals in 1890.

America is often wrong on global issues, but on this one we should stand tall. A best-of-three or best-of-seven series is more sensible than aggregate anything. It matters if you win, it doesn’t matter by how much – just ask George W. Bush; this notion that “if I beat you 2-0 and you beat me 2-1, I’m better” is Old World nonsense. This is the New World, baby!

Frankly, aggregate-goal insanity is stunting MLS’s growth, as is the other area of inadequacy I must complain about.

It’s easy to go online to find the other leagues, at nfl.com, mlb.com, nba.com and nhl.com. But when I wander the Internet to fill my MLS needs and type in mls.com, I get real estate listings. Real estate listings!

MLS is elsewhere on the World Wide Web; mls.com is a Multiple Listing Service real estate portal. As it were, trying to check on Fabian Espindola’s stats last year, I accidentally ended up buying a winter home in Halifax, Nova Scotia.

Good for mls.com. Not good for Major League Soccer.

Ask The Slouch

Q. Do you agree with Brian Cashman’s assessment that Derek Jeter should be the last New York Yankees captain ever? (Joel Rubin; Chicago)

A. I have no opinion on the matter. However, I do believe that Cashman’s predecessor, Bob Watson, should’ve been the last Yankees general manager ever.

Q. Who is your Sled Dog Team of Destiny at the Iditarod? (Jonathan Carroll; Spokane)

A. That used to be my favorite sled dog race of the year, but replay review and climate change have ruined it.

Q. You need one guy to coach one game for all the marbles, with academically suspect players – Roy Williams or Jim Boeheim? (Corey Millman; Fishers, Indiana)

A. I still got to go with Jerry Tarkanian.

Q. Did the guests storm the court at each of your weddings? (Deepak Sachdeva; McLean, Virginia)

A. No, but many of my ex-wives’ friends stormed divorce court at each of our hearings.

Q. Do you think it’s possible that those who think time inexorably moves forward have never watched the last 30 seconds of a basketball game? (K.W. Hemphill; South Riding, Virginia)

A. Pay the man, Shirley.