MIL an example of how not to be

Dear Annie: I have read the letters in your column about mothers-in-law and would like to add my two cents about boundaries.

My MIL liked me while her son and I were dating. When we became engaged, she wanted control. She made changes to our wedding plans right up to the ceremony, even though my folks were paying for it. When I was pregnant, she grabbed my arm and hissed, “I will NOT be a grandma!” At the baby shower, she informed the whole family that if it was a girl, it isn’t her grandchild, because her boys don’t make girls. I laughed. She was serious.

We had a beautiful girl who looks just like my husband. Over the years, I tried to be kind, but when she started taking her hatefulness out on our children, we set up big boundaries. Our children have grown up barely knowing this set of grandparents, but have been fortunate to have others be role models.

One thing I have learned is that I will not be that mother-in-law. Moms, please raise your kids to be loving and caring adults. Just because you aren’t happy doesn’t mean you need to make them miserable. Now that my mother-in-law is older and failing, my husband visits, and she still tries the guilt trips. She even offered to pay for a divorce. He thanks God for our family and our marriage. – Lisa

Dear Lisa: We don’t know what motivates some parents to require so much control that they push their children away. Nor can they understand how to undo the damage their behavior is causing, partly because they cannot admit they are at fault.