Carolyn Hax: Friend has it all, except gratitude

Hi, Carolyn: I have a friend who, by most any measure, has a lot to be thankful for. She has two lovely children and a husband. She’s able to work only part time. They just bought a second home in a beach neighborhood where they’ll move once they remodel it. They travel to see family in far-flung places.

Mostly, though, when we talk, she’s complaining about something. Admittedly, these things are sometimes big (difficulty getting pregnant), but there is always some sort of struggle consuming her. And I rarely hear gratitude.

This strikes me as … off. She’s made very-thought-out decisions, so it’s not like she just ended up here. Can I say, “Are you grateful for fill in blank? I’ve been wondering because I don’t really hear you mention it.” – Judgy?

Or she’s genuinely unhappy. It can of course happen amid lovely kids, an attentive spouse, a flexible career and ambitious travel; just because these have societal value doesn’t mean they’re valuable to her.

And just because the decisions were “very-thought-out” doesn’t mean they were the right ones for her.

On top of this – as I continue to argue for sympathy toward an affluent whiner, I do so love my job – there’s the additional weight a person can feel when making (supposedly) all the right choices results in misery.

Could be, too, that she’s bored or adrift, having arrived too early at her life’s destination. Or her good fortune has metastasized into entitlement. Old stories all.

But since she’s your friend, try saying something that doesn’t prejudge, and instead reflects only the facts you have in hand. “You appear so fortunate from the outside,” you can say, “but when we talk you’re often down about something.” Give examples here of anything trivial. Then you ask, “Are you OK?”

Do hold up a mirror for her, yes, but in a loving way. That makes it about her well-being, whereas judging would be about you.