Wife says husband is keeping her from her friends
Dear Carolyn:
My wife has made a couple of new friends, and she goes out and does things with them a time or two a week. I’m fine with that.
Now she would like our families to have regular get-togethers. I’ve spent a little time with all of them, and I’m just not interested in spending significant amounts of time with these people beyond the rare holiday party or similar event. I feel like some people are “her” or “my” friends and some people are “our” friends, and I have told her she’s free to spend time with her friends without me.
She accuses me of “keeping her from her friends” somehow by not wanting to do things as families. How much time/effort do I have to put into my wife’s friendships? – Anonymous
The somewhat-stompy delivery notwithstanding, your wife has a point. You are keeping her from her friends, no air-quotes, in a very specific way: She can only ever see them in a girl’s-night-type context or flying solo when they gather as families. That’s limiting. She may envision these friendships deepening into a community, the kind where you help out with each other’s kids, or have impromptu potluck dinners, or maybe even travel together. When it works, it’s a beautiful thing.
Saying no to that is your prerogative, of course; if you don’t like these friends then the shared-lake-house thing just isn’t going to happen.
Saying no as if it’s not a big deal, though, when she thinks it is, comes across as dismissive. Few things are as corrosive to intimacy as minimizing what your partner cares about. Consider these two phrasings:
“I don’t stop you from seeing them without me, so I don’t get what the problem is”;
“I understand why you want this, and wish I could give it to you, but I just don’t enjoy these friends the way you do.”
Which “no” will go down smoothly, and which will burn?
Even better than Option 2 – and to answer your question – follow up with an offer to give it a try anyway. Maybe one gathering a month or so, with an open mind, for her.
That shows you value her and her happiness even as you deny her something meaningful – which is when that message matters the most.
Dear Carolyn:
My fiance and I are deciding where to spend our first holidays together – every holiday before this has been celebrated apart, with our own families. I would much rather spend time with my family, but my fiance wants us to spend it together since we are getting married – which to him means spending the morning with one family, and then driving to see the other in the afternoon.
The only problem: Our families are five hours apart! I really don’t want to do that. What would you advise? – Choosing
Saying this to him, not me?
My advice is to follow his lead in theory, if not in practice: You are going to be married, so it’s time for both of you to state your preferences clearly and figure out an arrangement you both can live with.
To give you an idea of how this sounds:
He says it’s time to spend holidays together, and wants to start with one family and then drive to see the other.
You say you want to be together, too, but if it means being in the car for five hours on a holiday, separate sounds better. Would he be willing to alternate? And you take it from there.
With one unbreakable ground rule: No secret agendas of getting your way. If either of you is angling to grab more family time at the other’s expense, then please consider a longer engagement. Love is swell, but maturity, transparency and mutual support are what keep it together.
Dear Carolyn:
I’ve been dating my boyfriend for about six months. We have a lot in common and there seems to be some potential here.
I recently had a pretty serious health scare (think ER visit, follow-up care required), and my boyfriend has been totally MIA. My coworkers and friends have been great – offering help, rides, grocery runs, reminding me to take it easy. My boyfriend has offered no help, hasn’t asked how I’m feeling since the initial emergency room visit, has texted his usual daily updates but not much else. I’m not sure how to even talk about this. I can’t speak to his feelings, but his actions don’t indicate the level of care I’d expect from a serious partner. – Sick
Eh. Just tweak the vows: for better and for richer, and in health.
Speaking only for myself, I don’t choose my people just for crisis, but that’s when I need them most – so the question wouldn’t be how to talk about it, but whether I even need to.
This is about what works for you, so is there more information you’d like from him? Then that’s what you say.
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