Party game turns into school drama

Dear Carolyn: My 7th-grade daughter is being frozen out of her friends’ parties. Two months ago, she attended a party with friends. She told me afterward, although the parents were in and out of the room, while they were out, one of the kids started an inappropriate game and one of the boys had to kiss a girl.

My daughter was upset, and I had to let the other parents know about this game permitted by the hosting family.

Now my daughter is not invited to things. Her friends have explained they love her, but feel it wouldn’t be right to expect her not to talk to me. They want to gather without worrying about their parents being called for “every little thing.”

I called the host mom, and she was well aware I had spoken to the other families, as several of them called her as soon as they hung up with me. Apparently games are more important than kindness. How can I make them see reason? – Mean Girls

I think you’ve done enough crusading for one middle school lifetime.

You had to call the other parents? No. The people to call were the hosts.

That would have been not only the respectful move, but also the instructive one. Good parents can disagree on how to handle the hormonal surge, so it’s important for peer-group parents to communicate.

Calling everyone but the hosts was not communicating, it was throwing them under a bus.

Note the nature of the fallout: Your daughter isn’t being shunned, you are, through her.

If it’s kindness and transparency you want, then model it. Apologize to the hosts, to the other parents and to your daughter:

“I’m glad you told me about the party, and hope you keep telling me things; I’ll even pick you up anytime, if you’re uncomfortable. I won’t overreact again.”