Carolyn Hax: Children won’t pay for family vacation

Dear Carolyn: We are a retired couple who, through the efforts of both parties, live comfortably. Our children and grandchildren are scattered throughout the world. Family gatherings for major holidays are impossible. Gatherings in the summer are possible and enjoyed by all.

I feel helping the children fund these summer trips is acceptable, and my wife does not. When our family was young, we spent the vast majority of our family vacations, and funds for same, on time with the grandparents and extended family. My wife has trouble understanding why our children do not have the same priority. I do not know why, either, but our children make their own decisions.

Our children each will inherit a moderate amount of money when we are gone. Last summer, when we did fund the family gathering, I explained to each child that the expense for the travel will result in less inheritance. They all were very agreeable to this (not that I really cared since I wanted time with our grandchildren).

We know our time is limited, and the grandchildren are still young enough to enjoy these visits, so I do not want to miss a summer. I also do not want my wife to be resentful if we do fund the travel.

− M.

Would she rather be right, or play with her grandchildren?

I suggest you pose it that way, because you already asked and answered that question yourself − and because telling someone she’s being a blockhead tends to be bad for marriages.

Of course she wants both. We all want both. And we want the people we love to love us back, versus give us the impression we have to pay them to enjoy our company.

But the best any of us can do is live with the facts we’re given, and one fact here is that your children apparently don’t prioritize family travel as you two did.

That’s one talking point to discuss with your wife. Another: Your kids are raising their kids in a different climate from the one you knew as young parents. More family scattering, much easier communication from afar, steeper expectations of parents, more intense workplace demands and, the big one, tougher financial demands. Have you both weighed the greater percentage of their incomes they’ll need to spend just to replicate for their children the advantages you gave them, in housing, health care, child care, education? Does your wife appreciate how much more money they’ll need to sock away to retire as securely as you did? An understanding that apples and oranges don’t compare well must precede any harrumphing about a family’s priorities.

A final talking point that I hope you won’t need: Family vacations don’t go well when their organizers care more about means than ends. If your wife can’t be grateful for what these families contribute in effort, in showing up every summer from all corners of the earth, then she can’t expect them to come eagerly even if the magic carpet you send for them is underwritten in full.

By the way − those inheritances dip when you so much as buy a quart of milk. It’s your money still. Make your peace as a couple with whatever you choose to spend on togetherness, then, come gathering time, drop the subject completely.

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